July 28, 2007
"I do good things w/ my life. The problem is, none of it's funny."
-Doug Stanhope
LOS ANGELES- That quote has been resonating in my head for a few days. I can relate to it. I take pride in doing plenty of "positive" comedy gigs whenever I can.
There was the high school grad night party that I did in Connecticut back in June. School officials rented out a tent in the middle of the woods and set up a bunch of activities to keep the kids occupied all night.
The event was an attempt to let the kids celebrate graduation in a controlled environment instead of running the streets and partaking in underage drinking.
"Life sucks boys and girls. Don't go to college"
And to be honest I had a good time as well. Both on AND off stage. I figured this gig to be one of those "Do your jokes, get your money, and leave immediately" type gigs but well over an hour after I'd performed I found myself in a Connecticut Cow pasture playing Volleyball & Wiffle Ball in a decent pair of dress shoes.
Aside from avoiding random piles of cow shit in the grass, we all had a decent time. I took TONS of pictures from this night in anticipation that something would strike me as blog worthy, but nothing was really that funny to me. Stanhope is right, the good things in life are rarely funny. The only thing that sucked about that
night is that's the time I saw the white shirt that I'm wearing in this picture. ------>
I loved that shirt.
It was my favorite shirt.
I have no idea where it is.
Neither do the people at the Hampton Inn.
Neither does my dry cleaner.
Neither do the people at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
My point being, it's always a blast doing events like this from time to time to give me a little bit of a sense of accomplishment.
I get contacted on occasion by people looking to book me for a random church functions and I shy away from them because they can never be clear on if they want a CLEAN comedian or a CHRISTIAN comedian.
I go to church and I believe in God, but those of you that know me know that saying "Praise Jesus" between every joke isn't my style. There are comics who do this type of humor and they're good at it.
I'm not one of them.
Not performing didn't mean I didn't want to participate in another capacity so I told him that I’d be willing to help anyway I could (* i.e. speaking to the kids, sending autographed headshots, or T-shirts from the radio station*)
He never called me back.
So fast forward to 3 days ago when a friend of mine calls me and says… “I didn’t know you were abstinent.”
“Huh?” I replied.
She then goes into this 5-minute speech about how great it was that I was saving myself for marriage, and how men ruin a good thing by trying to have sex too soon. I could hear this genuine tone of admiration in her voice as she felt like she was discovering something new about me.
“I would’ve never guessed it Roy, You come across so differently. I mean, I saw your face on the flyer and I was just blown away! That is just so Amazing, God is Good.” she Said.
”The flyer? What Flyer?” I asked.
“The flyer about no sex being the safest form of sex, Your picture is on it.” she said.
My mouth dropped. Apparently I've given up sex with out my own knowledge.
Turns out the church made up a “No Sex” pledge for the kids to sign before they go back to school for the fall. They also made posters that read , “I Practice Abstinence” and on the front there’s my picture along with a bunch of other local some bodies.
I guess the organizer figures if the kids see recognizable faces from their community taking the same pledge then they’ll be quicker to sign the petition.
I’m generally leery about my image being used to promote anything that isn't comedy. A buddy of mine from the radio station used my face to help promote his birthday party recently and I had to mull over the decision for a few days.
Local promoters will take your face and list you as a “Special Guest” without your permission and then everyone in town thinks you’re hosting some “Wet T-Shirt Contest” or The 5th Annual “Gimme What Ya Got Foe a Poke Chop- Ass Shaking Contest.”
You get my point?
I never signed the petition. If I’m with the right someone I would consider having sex with them. What if I’m with that chick and I pull out the condom and she says… “But wait. I thought you were abstinent. Say's so on this Church Flyer I have.” Now this chick thinks I’m a hypocrite when in actuality I was misrepresented.
Next thing you know the church will be telling the kids that I don't drink.
And we all KNOW that's a lie.
This is a ‘Breath of God’. The ingredients are as follows…
1. Vodka
2. Crown Royal
3. Bacardi 151
4. Splash of cranberry juice.
I had 3, Possibly 4. I sat around with fellow Myspacers (* And buddies from high school*) Glenn, Maxwell, & Deramus and drank a few.
How am I going to explain that to the women on the usher board?
There’s nothing that makes some people in the church happier than exposing a hypocrite. They love to whisper about the pastor that’s dating other women. Or giggle about the gay escapades of some dude on the music board.
I don't need to be added to that list.
I kind of feel bad for wanting to correct someone about lying to people about how I SHOULD be living my life.
"Where the hell is my cell phone battery?"
How do I correct the church organizer? How’s that phone call going to go?
“Hey Man! Take me off that flyer that promotes something positive. You know I like drinking and having sex now and then.”
How’s that going to make me look to the church? I’m not a sex-addict but I’m definitely not “anti-orgasm”. My mom said to just let it go and next time give more detail about how my image should be used
The only two flyers they could put me on and be right is Smoking and Drugs. Maybe I could suggest that. Or maybe I could let them do their flyers for as long as I'm able to tack on another flyer underneath.
Just a suggestion.
I’m not quite sure how to play this one gang. I’m a hypocrite if I say nothing. But I’m an asshole if I say something. I’m running out of ideas. I’m sending the e-mail next week. Please advise.
Wood, Jr.