July 20, 2007
LONG BEACH CA--- Welcome to Long Beach California. The way Snoop Dogg and Warren G rap about this part of California you’d think it’s relatively close to Los Angeles. And it is…on paper. But in your car in Los Angeles Traffic, Long Beach is about 2 hours away.
The Orange County Flyers are playing the Long Beach Armada and I have to be at the game. The Team’s Official name is the longest team name in all of professional sports… The Long Beach Armada of Los Angeles of California of the United States of North America including Barrow Alaska.
I’m making the special trip out here today to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the game…or so I thought.
“Um Sir. Your Name isn’t on the list,” the ticket booth turd told me, “They don’t have you down as throwing out the first pitch.”
Now, I’ve been stood up by before. By night clubs, By women, by comedy clubs. It’s All in the game and most of it doesn't bother me.
At one time or another in our life we’ve all walked up to the front door of a place that’s supposed to have our name on “the list” but they never do. And we have to stand there with this look of stupid on our face.
I’ve had women cancel on me at the last minute before a date due to some non specific event “come-up”. Hell, just two weeks ago in Louisville a girl LEFT ME AT THE MOVIES. I rode to the movies with her (* which was mistake number 1. Always drive yourself fellas.*) 20 minutes into the flick She stepped outside to “make a phone call” and she never returned.
I sat there watching Die Hard 4 by myself fielding text messages from her that said.. “Sorry I had to leave my kid had an emergency.”
It wouldn’t have so much have bothered me but she didn’t have the common courtesy to come back into the theatre to give me the opportunity to leave w/ her and have her drop me off at the hotel (* which was on the way to the hospital*)
At least give me the option of leaving before relegating me to a $28 cab ride back to my hotel. I wouldn’t have left anyway. Die Hard 4 was a damn good movie. What was trippy about that whole situation is that it wasn’t some sort of “official” date. She had no reason to bail on me. I guess she talked to Jesus about it or something because she’s been very apologetic about it since .
It was a no pressure situation. I’m too cheap to rent a car in certain cities so all week on stage I joked about wanting to see Die hard 4 and if someone would give me a ride I’d pay for their ticket and popcorn. She offered, I accepted.
Moral of the story: Always rent a car.
I’ve been stood up before. There was the time in 2002 when comedian Spanky Brown and I were 4 hours into a 7 hour drive to a gig in Florida when the booker called us to inform us that the Room decided to close down. We were paid a cancellation fee and sent back home.There was time in Austin TX that the black headliner (* who brough a black comic with him*) decided that he didn’t want me as a black opening act. “I need me a white boy or a Chico opening for me dawg. No hard Feelings,” he said. He had all day to put me off the show but he waited until 30 minutes before showtime.
Moral of the story: I should’ve been born white.
What’s crazy is that events like that never disappointed me. But Me not getting to throw out the first pitch did. Because I was actually looking forward to it.
Never in my life had I ever been stood up by a baseball game.
I wasn’t trying to have sex w/ the chick in Louisville, and being sent home 3 days early from Austin didn’t bother me because I was still paid for the week. But hearing…
“Um Sir. Your Name isn’t on the list,” from the ticket booth turd crushed me much in the same way your dad came home and said..."Daddy has a boyfriend now pumpkin! Now you'll have 2 daddies...don't tell mommy."
Considering that I’d driven for 2 hours I demanded to know what happened. So I Demanded to speak with the PR person that booked me for the event...
“I’m not on the List?! Well then I need to speak to Charles!!” I screamed.
“Charles got laid off 2 weeks ago.” Said the turd.
There was nothing I could say to that. Apparently the new PR person chose to book new guests and cancel the old ones.
Now one would assume that the Charles would’ve called me to let me know he was laid off but that would've been too easy.
"Oh my God You two black guys are so hot. I'm Becky. This is my Black friend Deniese. My Latino friend over there doesn't date black men."
Plus there was no sense in me getting upset. The poor guy already lost his job he doesn't need some comedian bitching him out.
So I grabbed a $7 ticket and got inside just in time to see my replacements throw out the first pitch.
Talk about adding insult to injury.
I watched them have all the fun. Two big burly bald headed black guys from the 'International Fight League'.
The least they could've done is put lotion on their elbows.
But hey, who am I to criticize. I'm in the stands taking pictures of people taking a picture. That has to be a new level of boredom I believe.
They're down there eating ribs and
having fun while I
sat in the stands with this horrible look of disappointment on my
face.
Look at my pathetic ass. LOL
I’d even brought my baseball glove. I was sitting in the stands looking like a kid that was supposed to meet his daddy at the game but “Daddy had to work again”
I still had a good time at the game watching a few innings. And walking around taking in the sites. I thought it was funny that they had a moonwalk for the kids and a bar for the parents right next to each other.
This way you could watch your kids while you drink but there’s only so long you can drink beer and stare at other people’s children before you look like a child molester so back to the stands I went.
When all else fails at a baseball game, sit next to people who’re rooting for one team and just root for the other. Nothing gets under people's skins more I’m starting to accept my role in the baseball stadiums as “resident asshole.”
I believe God gives everyone their calling. And this is mine. remember the blog I wrote a few years back about getting kicked out of Wrigley Field? I reposted that blog but here's the link,
I think the little incident here in Long Beach was God's way of giving me a forced vacation for a few hours considering that I've been in my L.A. apt like a hermit the past week.
I'm headed to Houston next week and I’m going to see if fellow Myspacer E-Feezy is interested in swapping tickets to my show next weekend for tickets to the Astros games at which she bartends. The Astros are playing the Padres that weekend and I could care less about either team which means I could go from section to section of the stadium being an equal opportunity asshole.
I can't wait to go to the game. I just hope when I get to the window in Houston that my name is on the list.