THIS IS YOUR FUTURE   !!!

February 16, 2007

 CLARKSDALE MS-   Day 10 city number 8.   I’ve been agitated / disappointed with myself for a number of various reasons the past few days. The reasons of which are too long and complicated to explain in a single blog but they were all good enough reasons to leave me sitting on the couch with my mom watching the Grammy’s this past Sunday night.

Helluva way to spend my last night in Birmingham until probably June.

 Well, I do have to go back for a day in March to read to some 2nd Graders but I seriously doubt that’ll be as much fun as a Birmingham Martini Bar on a Friday night (* GREAT party A.D.*).  I’ll try not to get myself kicked out of the school this go round.

   “Trick Luv Da Kids”- Trick Daddy

I found out over the weekend today that Wal-Mart has declined to carry my new Prank Call CD when it comes out this spring.

 Now I’ll be the first to say that my prank calls (* even in an edited form*) aren’t exactly congruent with the ‘Famly Friendly’ format of Wal-Mart’s music section. But neither is that copy of SAW 3 they sell. Mmmmm I love the smell of fresh baked Hyprocricasy Casserole.

         

        Family Friendly                                       Not Family Friendly.  

Oh well, all the more reason to keep shopping at Target I guess.

 Today was just what the doctored ordered. A trip to Clarksdale, MS. Like the National Guard I grew up spending one weekend a month and two weeks a year here with my mom’s side of family. So passing thru on my way to to Arkansas I stopped by for a few hours to rest and more importantly to see my cousin’s kids.

These are the two kids that do a bulk of the intros to most of the prank calls your hear on my website. The third is not pictured her. She's "In the 4th grade now and doesn't have time for my silly prank calls."

 While in town I figured it would be to my benefit to log an hour of studio time to get some new intros from them to use on future pranks.

Contrary to popular belief I DO NOT tell script most of what they say in the prank call intros. Through their own creativity they have coined insults such as...
 

"You polka dot Gorilla."

"You Buck-tooted Billy goat"

"You bacon flavored chicken sandwich"

and my personal favorite

"You black booty walrus"

It’s amazing what you can get a kid to say for a Cheeseburger Happy Meal. Kind of troubles me that this kind of creativity exists in their mind but they all make the A-B Honor roll so I guess I can't complain right?

 The more pressing issue today is finding something to wear. I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning before I left Los Angeles so I’ve been forced to mainly perform in T-shirts all week. Sick of this insanity I head to the mall to find a decent shirt.

 Of course Valentine’s Day was this week so the mall is decorated with all of the corporate America marketing used to suck us all into thinking we’re an asshole if we don’t buy someone a rose or a box of cheap chocolates. I’ve been single two Valentine’s Days in a row now but for some reason I think last year’s was a much more tolerable experience compared to this year.

When you’re single on Valentine’s day your first instinct is to think back to the person you dated last. You try to not do it so that you can keep a clear head all day but you can’t. That’s when all the reflecting begins on what caused the relationship’s demise.

 Didn’t get a chance to catch up with my married buddies in Birmingham this past week. That sucks. I like hanging out with them. I look at them and It’s like a sneak preview into what the next chapter of my life will hopefully be like.

 That's probably why I love visiting my cousin's kids. It's kinda like being "Daddy for a Day."

I want to have kids and proofread their homework and teach them how to throw a decent curveball.

 I wanna get all hyped up on Sweet and Sour Sauce and Hawaiian Punch and serenade the 4th Grader with my rendition of "Irreplaceable" using a pack of gumballs as a microphone.

Beyonce' would've been proud.

Yeah I wanted to be married and  to do all of that…and then I saw this guy at the mall….

Sorry for the crappy angle but I had to take this picture on the sly. Anytime I got close to this guy he'd get paranoid and jumpy like a stray cat when you get too close. Maybe he sees dead people. Maybe he's scared of black men with camera phones.

 Is this what marriage does to a man’s face? I saw this man sitting in the women’s shoe department holding his wife’s coat while she jogs around and spends his money.

 Look at his face. Let me crop it and Isolate…

 Look at that pain.

Does this look like the face of a man that’s having a Happy Valentine’s week? Hell, take the word ‘Valentine’ out of the equation and tell me if this looks like a man that’s having a Happy Day Period?

 I think not my friends. If this is what marriage does to a man 50 years down the road then count me out. I think somewhere down the line in marriage a man loses his ability to smile.  I watch the ‘Today’ Show on NBC some mornings and Willard scott shows the pictures of the old people who’ve been married since 1843 and none of them seem happy.

         

That’s not the face of love. That’s the face of surrender.

Hope you had a good Valentine’s day with the one you love soon... this will be your future....

Wood, Jr.