Official Website of Comedian Roy Wood Jr.

*I Don't Want to Be Rich* *February 8*, 2007
FT LAUDERDALE 11:30p.m. - I had a college show tonight here in Ft. Lauderdale.(* Shout out to Broward Community College!*). Apparently the city still has this ‘Super Bowl’ mentality so the hotels here are still $250 a night or so. I landed at 3pm the show was at 7pm so rather than be gouged for $250 a night I’ve opted to return to the airport and sleep here while I await my 5:30 a.m. departure back to Los Angeles. First order of business now that I’m stationary for a few hours is to book a plane ticket to Birmingham. It’ll be good to get a decent haircut and get back in studio to do a few new prank calls for the website. I need to get to the bottom of why the hell my mail isn’t being forwarded to me.
Plus a friend of mine is throwing her self a good ol fashioned Birthday shindig at a nice Martini Bar in town. For those of you looking for somewhere to go this Friday without having to go through a metal detector or your clothes smelling like ‘Black-N-Milds’ please visit her Myspace page for party info. The flyer is on her page.
	I like the airport at night. It’s so serene. It’s fun seeing the droves of dejected Chicago Bears fan trudging through the airport tonight. If I had more energy in me I’d heckle them. A little known fact about airports is that the ticket counters close at night. So even though I’m here I can’t go through security because there aren’t anymore outbound flights. So I’ll just camp out near the ticket counter.
Around 2 A.M. some drunken Super Bowl turd staggers into the terminal completely unaware of this. He stands at the ticket counter for 15 minutes awaiting an employee that’s never going to appear. Finally he stumbles over to me... “Hey man, do you know what time the ticket counter opens up?!” I reply, ”I’m not sure but most carriers open about two hours before their first scheduled departure. So I’m guessing around 4-5am." DRUNK DUDE: “We’ll What about first class They open earlier don’t they?” ME: “I don’t know man. I guess the same time.” DRUNK DUDE: “Well That’s Bullshit” he replies. He then staggers off. I’m sick of overly arrogant first class airline passengers thinking they’re holier than us coach class people. First class on a domestic airline isn’t anything but a glorified way of calling “shotgun”. There’s this constant separation of “We’re better than you” by First-Class vs. Coach Class. A bunch of rich turds racing to get on the same plane that I’m getting on. And for what? So that you can get on the plane 10 minutes before me and have a sip of Orange Juice? Your mom deprived you of affection as a kid so now you have to scurry onto the plane for snack-time. ‘Yaaayyy I got on the plane first!! I get orange juice and oatmeal!!” Through out the entire airport are reminders of your ability to under achieve. Very suttle “F---k You’s’ Aimed at the coach class passenger. The first place is the check in counter. You ever tried to check-in using the ‘First Class’ Kiosk? It’s like a damn security breach. “SIR THIS KIOSK IS FOR YOUR FIRST CLASS, AND ELITE PLATINUM GOLD MILE CLUB MEMBERS ONLY” Translation… “Hey you didn’t pay enough money sir so ‘F----K You’, Go get in THAT line!! After that it’s on to the Airport Security. The fact that there’s even a line for first class at airport security is hilarious. What the hell does your income have to do with the security of a plane? Comedian Doug Stanhope said it best… “Have a security line for first-class passengers is like the police setting up a D.U.I. Roadblock and then making a separate lane for BMWs and Mercedes. “ The amount of money you spent on your ticket has nothing to do with whether or not you’re bringing a bomb on the plane.
	Denver International Airport has the most hilarious segregation of income classes. Here we see the line for “ticketed passengers” .
And then we have the sign for “Premium Passengers”. So far so normal right? Take a closer look at the sign for ‘Premium Passengers’ and you’ll notice a special addition. Uniformed Military personnel. That’s right people Denver International Airport loves the troops but only when they’re dressed in Uniform. Screw their military I.Ds they don’t honor those. You gotta be dressed to go to Iraq RIGHT NOW.
	The men in this pic w/ the camouflage backpacks are all Active Duty United States Military. They never told me where they were headed but they had ALL of their gear with them. And because they didn’t want to spend all day dressed like a scene from 'Blackhawk Down'. They had to stand in the normal ‘F---k You’ line with me. What’s hilarious about this sign is that ‘Uniformed military Personnel’ had to be added. Look at it, it’s taped up there. It wasn’t there originally when this sign was manufactured. Someone had to have a meeting about this. Some corporate turkey necks had to sit and decided if U.S. troops deserve to go through security faster than civilians.
TURKEY NECK 1: Now what about U.S. Troops are we going to let them through security faster? TURKEY NECK 2- I dunno John. That’s a tough one. We don’t want to spoil them. Besides they didn’t pay for first class, why should they get first class treatment? TN 1: Well it’s wartime Steve and we need to support the troops. If we don’t then we’ll look like assholes. TN 2: Okay fine, Let’s allow troops in first class, but only uniformed troops. That way we know they’re headed off to go fight. I don’t want those off duty troops, injured amputees, or 76-year-old veterans coming through with their military I.D.s TN 1: Great. I’ll call the factory have them make a new entrance sign for Airport security. TN 2: A NEW SIGN ? Are you crazy. Just print it up on my computer and tape it up there. That way when the war ends we can take it back down and make the troops go through the ‘F---k You’ Line. TN 1: BRILLIANT idea Steve. We Save money, and we get to honor the troops temporarily. No wonder You’re in charge of this company. I’m horny, let’s make love. TN 2: great. Drop your pants. You get through security and then what happens? More separation of the masses.
	Every airline has some random “Elite Red Carpet club” for rich turds to relax until their DOMESTIC flight departs. I’ve snuck through the first class security line before but there’s no sneaking in the “Red Carpet Club”. The bouncer there is serious about his job.
And THEN it’s time to board. I love the larger airliners where you have to board the plane in the middle. This way when you board you aren’t allowed to walk through first class. And if that isn’t bad enough when you get on the plane two employees stand there BLOCKING the path to first class so that you don’t make an accidental wrong turn into the expensive seats. The only way you get leg space in Coach class is if you get an exit row seat. And If you do get that seat then you have to be deputized into helping everyone else.
I wouldn’t be so against people in first class if they weren’t so arrogant about their stuff. You’re not even flying ‘First Class’ You’re paying extra to ride in the front of the plane. So pompous that you can’t be without your throne of a seat for 3-4 hours. You rush through ticketing, you rush through security, and you rush through boarding the plane so that you can do what?… WAIT. You’re paying extra money to WAIT. You’re Paying extra money to wait on me. Jim J McCoach Class. You’re paying extra money to wait on the old crippled guy to get settled. You’re paying extra money to wait on me to find space in an overhead bin.
“Greetings passengers we’ll be taxing shortly. We’re just waiting on 2 more passengers who had a late connection. After they get here and find their seat back there in row 48 we’ll be under way” You get my point? This plane can’t do shit until everyone in Coach class acts right. We’re the ones with all the power. Did you hear the story last week about the family kicked off the plane because their bratty kid wouldn’t be seated for take off. CLICK HERE to play catch up on current events. 20-minute delay at the gate before they finally decided to kick them off. You think that family was in First-class? NO! Coach Class buddy. You missed your 4pm Tee-Time because of a bratty kid on your DOMESTIC flight. Hey there buddy how about another round of Orange Juice, we’re gonna be here a while. Someone back there in the cheap seats can’t get her kid to shut up. If you love flying first class, good for you but I’m here to tell you buddy. You’ve been sold a lie.
	You’re not first class, you at the front of the plane. That’s all. You’re getting to the same place, the same time as me. And even more hilarious at baggage claim, I get my bags before you. You know why, Because you beat me to the airport, you beat me through the line which means that your bags were on the plane first and then buried behind the droves of coach class bags.
Which means my bags get off the plane first and on the baggage claim belt first. You’re not flying first class… THIS is first class…. This is the Van Nuys Airport in California. I challenge anyone reading this to book a flight to or from this airport. The airport code is ‘ VNY ‘ . This is a general aviation airport in other words…PRIVATE PLANES ONLY. When you travel to an airport where there are NO OTHER DOMESTIC PEOPLE ON BOARD THAT’S First class. Anyone flying out of Van Nuys has some money on them BELIEVE THAT. When you’re so rich that you fly out of an airport that’s not even open to the public THEN I respect you. I’d gladly take a private flight if offered. If for nothing else but the story to be told. But I don’t want to be rich. We’ll I take that back, I don’t want to be an asshole. And if money makes me act snobbish around regular people as if I’m not a normal person just like them, then count me out. I’m no better than everyone else. I know I complain a lot on here (* including in my last blog*) about the weirdoes that I’ve been next to on the plane, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Those people are all part of the America that I know and love. Los Angeles to New York- Roundtrip Coach Class- $266 First Class- $1161 You’re paying almost an extra $1000 to get to the same place as me at the same time? An extra $1000? For an extra $1000 I could book a stripper a coach class seat and have her give the troops lap dances for 3 hours straight ! And I don’t know what an in-flight hand job is running but I’m sure for a few extra hundred bucks I could make sure those un-uniformed troops get a happy ending. It may not be extra legroom, but I’m sure it’s better than free orange juice. I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore. I’m starting to ramble so I’ll just end this here. Wood, Jr.