Rachel Ray, BBQ'd Racism, & Free Flowing Stupidity

DECEMBER 15, 2006

SIOUX FALLS, SD-  I need some socks. I’ve been doing a horrible job of packing lately. I usually wake up just an hour before my flight so I have to hurry out of the house like a fire fighter. The result is a cram job of clothes shoved into my luggage.

Sometimes I don’t pack enough underwear, sometimes it’s shoes, this month it’s socks. Which is ironic because the girlfriend bought me socks last week but I forgot to pack those when I left L.A.

 

I was reading up on the qualities of the Sagittarius Male and this one website said

the Sagittarian Male has a good memory for facts, but often forgets where he has left everyday objects such as keys

 The website couldn’t have been more right.

It’s 24 degrees outside and 5 blocks to the nearest store so I’m trying to convince myself that I can get by on one pair of socks for 4 days. However, I can’t get by for 4 days when the all that’s in the condo fridge is this…

Every now and then when staying in the comedy club condo you get lucky and the comic that was there the week before you leaves a decent Frozen TV Dinner to forage. Such is not the case this week.  Here are my options for breakfast—Chocolate Yoo Hoo, Orange Juice (* that expired in September*), mustard, mayo, butter, cheese slices and 2 Bud Lights. \

Even if I did have beer and cheese slices for breakfast I’d still have the problem of what to eat for lunch so a 5 block walk in the artic tundra is what has to happen for me to get socks and food.  It’s during this walk that lots of randomness floats into my head. Time to let errr rip with some free flowing stupidity.

WHO THE HELL IS RACHAEL RAY?

And why is everyone on her jock? Am I Just out of the loop? I tried to watch her show this morning to see what the big deal was and it wasn’t anything to me. It’s just another chick cooking stuff you’ll never make while some famous turd looks on. Every year Americans look for some overly perfect chick to throw up on the “perfect pedestal. 

For a while it was Kathy Lee Gifford until we find out she beats on little kids in sweat shops, Then it was Martha Stewart but she went to prison, Kelly Ripa for a minute, and now it’s Rachael Ray.

I want to like this lady, I really do, but it’s hard to like her when America has already placed her on that ‘Perfect Pedestal’. Look at this chowder head all over every box of crackers in the grocery store.  

    

When I see stuff like this, Part of me secretly hopes for her to serve up some E-Coli spinach to one of her guests or an out of wedlock baby with Bob Barker, just something to bring her back down to earth.

God I can be so bitter at times.   

THE ‘HOT’ SIGN
2 Blocks from the grocery store I passed a Krispy Kreme and something happened…the Hot sign came on. I don’t know what drives moths to fly around street lamps but I’m guessing it’s something like walking past a Krispy Kreme.

Bad cholesterol can keep you from eating a doughnut but it can’t stop me from going inside and drooling as I warm up.

 Look at the big glaze tube.

I don’t eat a lot of doughnuts now as it is, but there was a time when I used to hope and pray that Krispy Kreme would sell the glaze by the cup separate from the doughnut.

 “Um yes, I’d like a Grande’ Glaze extra whip cream and 2 cups”

 BBQ RACISM….
One tradition for me when I come to Sioux Falls is to go to ‘Famous Dave’s’ BBQ. It’s some of the best BBQ on Earth. If this place and ‘Fazolli’s’ were in Birmingham I’d never leave town. So the club manager scoops me from the airport and we tredge on to our traditional lunch spot.


Being that my doctor told me I have “rising cholesterol” I can’t get the big burger slathered with sauce and cheese that I love so much.

I have to settle for the grilled salmon with some sort of pineapple gravy crap that I pushed off to the side. There was something new on the menu called "Porktoberfest" which is (* As described by the menu*) Pork with a side of Pork. LOL Talk about a heart attack.

After the lunch I go to the restroom to wash my hands and this older white dude comes in and goes…

 “The Food Here is Great Buddy! The way you cook those ribs is wonderful!! “

I politely tell him that I don’t work at Famous Dave’s and his face turns beet red with shame. Personally I don’t feel like what he said was motivated by race, HOWEVER it was still hilarious to look at him try to think of the words to tell me that he’s not a racist.

 You could look at his face and tell that he wanted to say… “um I didn’t think you’re the cook because you’re black and black people loved BBQ pork, I thought you was the cook because your coat resembled that of an employee.”

 I felt sorry for the poor guy. Black people have to come out with some sort of “I’m not a racist that just came out wrong” type phrase for innocent white people to use. Maybe if you’re white and not racist, maybe you can carry around a ‘Jet Magazine’ to prove you’re down with the people or something.  I dunno just a thought.

 I politely told him that Rachael Ray made the ribs and left the rest room.

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.. CHICKEN ASS
There’s nothing on earth nastier than a ‘Whole Grain Lean Pocket’. I don’t have anything clever to say about that. I just wanted to let you know.

  NOW HIRING

 How do you get the job at the grocery store cooking meat and serving it on toothpicks?

I’ve never seen that ad in the paper.

 “WANTED. Motivated individual to server questionable pieces of meat to people. 20 Hrs a week!!! Free Meals. Submit Resume now ! 205-326-4233. Must have own crock pot.  EOE”

 I’M NOT GOING HUNTING

 2 Blocks into the walk was more than enough time for me to figure out that going hunting this weekend with a Dominican friend of mine is out of the question. Aside from the fact that I don’t want to stand in the cold for 5 hours looking for pheasants, I usually have to have an attitude with an animal to want to kill it.

 Plus a black man and a Dominican walking through an open field carry shotguns might be called hunting in Sioux Falls but where I’m from that’s called probable cause.

Seacrest...Out.

Wood, Jr.