Why Does Montana Exist?

NOVEMBER 28, 2006

BILLINGS, MT-     The temperature this morning is –12 degrees here in Montana. Leaving me to ask the simple question, why does Montana even exist?  I’m not quite sure why temperature is even measured under 20 degrees.
Anything under 20 degrees all feels the same, cold as hell. But here I sit hoping that my plane is de-iced enough to get me to South Carolina tomorrow. Days like today are when I feel sorry for the turd outside that has to make sure my luggage doesn't end up in Arizona. It's hard to think clear when it's that cold let alone read a stupid luggage tag to be sure you're putting it on the right plane. If it were up to me I'd put random bags on random planes and let the luggage people in warm weather cities sort it out.

All I can think about during my time up here in Montana is "what a couple of dumb asses Lewis and Clark must have been"
Look at these two chowder heads. They're responsible for where I am today.  Lewis & Clark were hired by then president Thomas Jefferson in the 1800's to explore America from Illinois to the Pacific Ocean. The purpose of the mission was to see what parts of America could be stolen from Indians oops!!!! excuse me did I say steal? I mean  'settled' and used for commerce.

Like rappers on tour, Lewis and Clark then rounded up an entourage and walked around the northwest and shot the President back a text message every so often to let him know what they found.
 Every telegram they sent back to the president was basically a tale of how “great” and “abundant” the land was.

 “Dearest President Jefferson. STOP. Our Journey has taken us afar from our homes. We have made contact with Blackfoot Indians who have clothed and fed us. STOP  They have shown us how to make canoes. STOP. One of them is really cute, her name is Sacagawea. I’m going to try and holler at shawty"

That passage isn’t a verbatim historical account of what was said but not once in the WIKIPEDIA ACCOUNT of their journey does Lewis and Clark tell President Jefferson….

 “Our dearest president, This Louisiana Purchase that you’ve had us to explore is cold and pointless. STOP.   The French sold you a crappy piece of land.  STOP.  It’s cold as hell we’re coming home. See you in a week”

But they didn’t say that so now cities like Billings, MT exist.

 Spanish explorer Ponce De Leon had the right idea. He didn’t’ discover anything north of Florida you know why… TOO DAMN COLD. Lewis and Clark could’ve learned a lot from that Spaniard.
  Don’t get me wrong, America’s Northwest is BEAUTIFUL but from November to February it turns into God’s Deep Freezer.  And for me, 8 months of great weather isn’t a fair trade off for 12 degrees below zero. Living up here must be like dating a guy that treats you like a queen 8 months out of the year and then from Nov. to Feb. he beats you in the face and tries to molest your kids. 

 Not a fair trade off.

 Further more Clark had a black slave named York,  Read about him here whom he took on the journey with him. What I find hilarious is that in  most historical accounts of York he’s referred to as a “man servant”.

It'd be far too taboo for our history books to label anyone with heralded accomplishments a slave owner, might tarnish their place in the history books. So let's not call him a slave, let's call him a "man servant" I guess York was the first Farnsworth Bentley. But considering that just about everyone that did anything worth praising in the 1800's owned a slave it'd probably be pointless to try and discredit what Lewis and Clark did.

The tragedy of York is that in spite of helping Clark on the trek to the Pacific, York was denied his freedom upon returning to Illinois.  I guess the only good thing to come out of their trip is making so cities like Seattle could be founded. Without Lewis and Clark there would be no Starbucks coffee or West Coast rap.

Can't have west coast rap without a um....west coast.

Here's to York and Lewis and Clark, the true pioneers of West Coast Rap.

Wessssssttttsiiiiiidddddeeeee

Wood, jr.