Day 20- Somewhere in PA / N.J. Lesbians

SEPTEMBER 15, 2006

SELINSGROVE, PA-   Where? Don't worry I didn't know this city existed until a few months ago when I booked this gig. Here's the MAPQUEST LOCATION of where I am today.

Interesting area nice rolling hills, placid rivers, corn fields, and porno stores. I know, I thought that was an odd mix too, but I guess these nice mountain folks have a thing for fishing on the lake, harvesting corn, and then looking at women butt naked.

   

     But when you think about how strict the Amish culture is on things like porn it's a no brainer that porn shops litter the highway every 2 miles. What's the first thing an Amish guy is going to do when turns 18 and decides he doesn't want to be Amish anymore? …I'm guessing go to 'Big Bertha's Booby Barn" and attempt to feel alive.

It's actually refreshing to be in a city that isn't littered with Super Wal-Marts or Dairy Queens. But nine times out of ten, a city that doesn't have a Super Wal-Mart usually doesn't have any black people or a consistent cell phone signal. Such is the case today.

            This is day 20 of a 20-day road-trip. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't ready to get back to Birmingham for a minute. If for nothing else than to check my mail, get a decent hair cut and make sure my little brother hasn't burned down my apartment or left the ceiling fan on for 3 weeks straight.

            The bluk of the dates on this run have been college dates, which I love. I'm only 5 years removed from college but it feels like 15. I look at those students and I see this glimmer of hope in their eyes. I used to have that glimmer. That glimmer that life is great after college. It's good to have that outlook on life but sometimes that perspective can cause you to take yourself too seriously. Take this sorrority step team for instance….

They performed in front of me on one of my college dates and did a fabulous job. They were back stage going through their steps. They were focused and straight faced.

As a professional courtesy I went to their practice area to wish them luck. "Good Luck Ladies, get out there and do your thing," I said.  One of the girls says nothing to me. She gives me this half-assed Mr. Myiagi 'Karate Kid' nod. She was in a trance like she was about to chop bricks with her bare hands.

Now I'm not in a fraternity so I'm not going to pretend like I understand how serious the step show thing is. I guess it has something to do with the sorrority performing in front of the entire campus and not wanting to screw up and embarrass themselves. I can respect that but please don't go through life as tightly wound as you were during your pre-show rituals.

Trust me sorrority girls, you're going to have problems in life that are a lot larger than messing up an 8-count.  10-years from now When you're trying to call the landlord for a 2-week extension on your rent but you can't because your pre-paid phone just ran out we'll see how that compares to you messing up a step show.

 Maybe she was nervous, maybe she's on her period, maybe she's 3 months pregnant and doesn't know which boyfriend to tell, Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. My point, when someone speaks, speak back don't give them a Mr. Myiagi nod.

NEW YORK NEW YORK

By far the most exciting part of my road trip this go around was going to NYC. I have ZERO NYC pics. I'm waiting on various people with their cameras to e-mail them to me. Every time I had a photo op, my camera was blocks away in my car.

Had a blast on-air with PETE DOMINICK and his staff at SIRIUS Satelite radio. It was a little odd doing comedy on 9/11 in NYC but it turned out to be not as bad as I thought.  Listen to Pete on SIRUS Comedy Channel 43 Raw Dog.

Don't ask me why I'm wearing shades indoors. I don't yet have a good reason for that.

Auditioning for the 'David Letterman' Show was the reason for going. Had a good set. The 'powers that be' over the show said that "I did great and They'd be in touch with me soon." But I have friends who have been told the same thing after a job interview or a night with a prostitute and neither got a call back. I did what I was supposed to do. The rest is out of my control. I'll keep you posted on that.

The laugh of the night for me came from one of my friends who confessed to me at the show that she was bi-sexual. She was at the show with her ENTIRE family. The family thought the other girl was just a co-worker of their daughter. I always suspected something like that with this chick but I never called her on it.

What kills me about halfway decent looking bisexual women are the women they choose to go out with. My friend had a girlfriend from New Jersey that looked like… like…..Um if Ja rule and DMX had a child together, it would be that chick.

  

A pre-performance conversation with the girlfriend wasn't enough to quell my nervouseness about performing but after meeting Ja Rule, I forgot all about the even at hand. I was laughing so hard before I went on that I was forgetting my material

So after the show Ja Rule comes up to me in this deep baritone voice and goes, "Ay yo! Yousa funny n----a. You should come wit me and my girl tonight. We going to a strip club up on West 72nd. Get us some lap dances nahh mean? "

I politely decline, then Ja Rule tries to sweeten the pot. "You should come! You ain't got nothing to do tomorrow. Don't get all p----y on me!! I got a home girl that dance in a peep show booth on 43rd She get off in three hours I'll hook ya'll up." No thanks Ja Rule.

            I then explain to the multi-platinum rapper that I have a great woman who doesn't have to dance in a glass booth for a living.  The real tragedy in all of this is that my friend's boyfriend doesn't know that she's banging Ja Rule on the side. 

            There were a lot of my New York Friends at the show. Including a few Florida A&M Alumni. (* Thanks for coming fellow Rattlers*) One person not in attendance was the man from last year's blog titled "CHRISTMAS DAY DEATH THREATS" . Since that blog he's moved to NYC.  Being that I don't know what he looks like, he would've been hard to spot. I'm not sure if the guy still hates my guts or not but I figured tonight would be the night that I found out.

He was a no show. Things have died down between me and him anyways so I guess he figured it wasn't worth the gas. Besides, Ja Rule had my back.   

  He would've come up in the club to say something to me and Ja Rule would've walked up…"Hey Yo. You don't wanna do that. Dude ain't into your woman. Never has been. Ya woman likes you, that's why she's with you nah mean? Not him. Dude got a girlfriend now. He ain't looking at ya woman nah mean?  But yo, after you whoop Roy's ass meet me and my girl up on 72nd we gonna get a few lap dances."

 

            That was all earlier this week. So now I sit in Pennsylvania eagerly awaiting the 843 miles of freeway between me and Birmingham. I'll have just enough time to get home, get a haircut, maybe get dry cleaning done, grocery shop for mom, check my mail. What I can't decide on is what to do that night. Steve Harvey is in town, there's also a Dave Attel Show at the Stardome, and some of my buddies want to come over and sit and watch the Comedy Central Special with me.

 I kind just want to sleep.  Relief is on the way.  I fly out of town the next morning to L.A. and then head to Vancouver with the girlfriend to hassle Canadians for the week. A lot less pressure on me in Vancouver than was in Montreal so I'm sure I'll have more fun this go around.

 Time to get some sleep.

Seacrest, Out.