MARCH 29, 2006

PORK CHOP AND THE DISTRICT MGR.

FedEx Kinko's

 My traveling usually keeps me from going to church on a regular basis.  Even if I'm free on a Sunday, church isn't always the first thing on my mind. For me church is more about time for personal reflection and prayer than group worship. 

I could do without the two-three hours of worship. I Get deep into my own thought for a while and drop some money in the box and as far as I'm concerned I'm square with God for the week.  The only other place I find myself in deep thought other than church is...Kinkos. Not quite the same feel as church but the snack machine does offer better options for communion.  

Last week I had 4 days to do 6 days worth of work before a 15-day trek to Los Angeles. Last week was one of those weeks where you feel like you're swimming upstream. Doesn't help that my younger half-brother kept calling me every 20-minutes for $56. I have no idea why he needs such an odd amount of money but he knows I'll give it to him. I try my best to give him money when he needs it. He's in college and having money in your pocket will keep you out of most mischief in school

The main thing stressing me is that my largest regional distributor. Musicland Group Inc. (* Sam Goody, Suncoast Picture Co.*) declared bankruptcy this spring and can't pay me for my previous units sold NOR can they carry my upcoming CD because most of the stores in the southeast/ midwest are going out of business. This has in turn delayed my release date by a month or so.   (* But that's something for me to bitch about in another blog*).

This bankruptcy thing is part of the reason I'm here in L.A. for meetings with record label people about national distribution. (*It's looking good but I don't want to jinx things by speaking on it too early*) 

 

 

 

 

 

                My Parody song CD on the clearance rack.  What the hell is Yanni  doing in the comedy section.?

I feel blessed to do what I do but comedy is no different from any other job. There are days when you get swamped with tasks and you feel overwhelmed; You feel like you aren't making any progress in your career. People say pray to God but I don't. Not for something like record distribution. Somewhere in the Middle East U.S. Troops are running a roadside check point hoping that the next car isn't full of C-4 explosives...they need God. 

 I try to reserve my prayers to God for major things. Smaller comedy related requests I pass on to Jesus. Or as I like to call him, the District Manager.

Sitting in Kinko's frustrated... I put my face in my hands and begin to meditate. Suddenly I get a tap on the shoulder.  It was 'Pork Chop'  an old gangbanger from my neighborhood. Ten years older than me, Chop is now 37. As far as gangbanger's go Chop was a cool one. Never threatened to steal my sneakers or beat me up for not joining the gang. He never offered me weed or alcohol either. I guess he figured I had potential to do something with my life, or he was just stingy.

Not one for small talk Chop leans forward and slides me his sister's high school diploma from 1986. "Hey little nigga! Make me another one of these but I need my name on it instead of my sister's. I'm trying to get this job, dude say I need to bring him proof that I finished high school," he said.

Surely Chop couldn't go to a Kinko's employee with this blatant request to forge a document so seeing me in the corner had to have been like a ray of sunshine for him. As I pause for a minute to consider my own morals on forging a twenty year old high school diploma Chop explains to me that he needs the diploma for a job. "Dude told me to just bring him proof that I went to high school." He said. 

I try to explain to Chop about transcripts and records of attendance that some employers request. These files can't be forged but Chop assures me he doesn't need it. He hands me four crumpled up $20-Bills.

"Can you do it or not Little Nigga?

For $80.I can.

Click Image to Enlarge

Considering I'm pretty good with Adobe Photoshop, what he wanted me to do was a rather simple task.  Scan the document and color cover the text you desire to change.  Here's a rough example of what I mean. Don't worry Parents, this copy is watermarked so that no one else could EVER use it.  I wouldn't dare put out a "fill in the blanks" high school diploma over the internet. 

click the image to enlarge and get a closer look. 

By inserting blank spaces in the diploma I can now lay matching text over the blank spots and insert any name, date, or school in the blank areas. Print it up and then make color copies of it on some nice cotton paper.

 Pretty good work if I must say so myself. But as I sat there doing this for Chop I finally understood what my District Manager was trying to tell me..things could always be worse.

You could be 37 and working a tough job. I have no right to bitch and moan about some record store that can't carry my CD's or pay me back for the ones they sold.  Any job that doesn't do a background check or ask for a high school transcript couldn't be that great of a great job.

I didn't have the heart to tell Chop that he could've gotten a GED online for $50, two-week course. I started to give him his money back because, The motivation I got from interacting with Chop for an hour was priceless motivation.

Pork Chop left the house that morning praying to Jesus that someone could help him get a job.and he found me. I was praying for focus and direction in my career..and found Pork Chop. My brother was praying for $56 and he got the $80 that Chop gave me.

Three birds with one stone...Not bad for a District Manager.

Wood, Jr. 

"It's just my thoughts. Right or Wrong just what I was thinking at the time."- Jay-Z