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May 2, 2008

HERMOSA BEACH, CA- Supposedly the English language is one of the most difficult languages in the world to learn. All of the variations on words makes it difficult for foreigners to comprehend our dialect.

I saw a beautiful sunset and a homeless guy take a shit in the sand. I love the beach.

Synonyms and Homonyms constantly confuse people trying to learn this language. Add in slang terms and euphemisms, and it’s no wonder Mexicans come over here and just continue to speak Spanish.

   My biggest beef with the English language is that there’s still no phrases or words for awkward situations. 

    For example If you’re in a public bathroom stall and someone attempts to walk in on your stall there’s no set phrase to let them know that you’re in there. You might say “HEY HEY HEY !”  or “SOMEONES IN HERE!!” or  “NAW NAW NAW!” or “JUST A SECOND”.

My point being, there’s no set word or phrase in the English that’s universally accepted to convey the thought ‘This Toilet is Taken’.

 The same thing goes for a department store fitting room.

     I’ve also learned in my travels that there’s no set way to ask the hotel attendant for a toilet plunger. No matter how much you smile while asking, No matter how polite you are about it, any phrase that comes out your mouth is interpreted as “Hey, I just took a huge shit and I didn’t flush in between wipes. Can you help me straighten out this situation.?”

 Accidentally brushing up against a woman’s breast.

 Announcing that you’re about to vomit in public,

 Bumping the car next to you with your car door when getting out of a tight parking space. 

There’s no set phrase to rectify any of these situations. I recently discovered another situation for which there is no English phrase to make your point.

Look closely at this picture. We’ll revisit it later.

   “Have you tried the All New America Online?”

 I get asked that question every time I check my AOL E-mail. Every 3-4 months there’s some sort of “All New” version of America Online. Something with a little more razzle dazzle than the version that preceded it.

 You try to ignore it but every month you get a pop-up or an e-mail. 

“Have you tried the All new America Online?”

 So like the faithful AOL customer I am. I downloaded the new 9.1 Version of the software. One of the new features of this version of AOL is that if the software doesn’t close properly then it automatically returns to the webpage you last visited before the software closed.

 According to AOL, this  “gives you the convenient ability to pick up where you last were anytime you open the software.”

 Seems like a good idea right?

I’m a fan of videos of people doing crazy shit. Sometimes these videos are on porn sites. If you’re willing to sift through all of the lame sex vids you’ll find some stuff that rivals YouTube & MySpace.

 This is the Video he sent me. It's a girl doing some sort of webcam striptease and it goes HORRIBLY wrong. Don’t worry the video below is the YouTube version of the video. Exact same Footage as the porn site (*no nudity*) . This way you people at work can safely watch it without some porn link being on your computer and getting you fired.  It’s about 1 min Long. Watch and enjoy.

WORST STRIP TEASE EVER

So while I’m watching the video my laptop crashes. I shut it off and jumped over to my desktop.

 Fast Forward 2 days later.

 Here I am at this auto dealership getting some repairs done. The child in the picture is about 3 years old. Friendly kid. Father as well, he even cool with me turning the TV to ‘Sportscenter’. ( far more entertaining than ‘Good Morning L.A.’

My laptop takes about 6-7 minutes to boot-up and be ready for use, so I figured I’d use this time to go to the restroom. I returned from the bathroom room and the father had this look of horror on his face. His mom wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.

 I thought they’d gotten some bad news about their car. So I didn’t’ think much about it…

And then I saw my laptop. You'll notice my laptop directly behind the child. Denoted by the yellow circle.

Lucky me my AOL Software had re-opened and returned me to the website I’d last visited which was, you guessed it.

 Redtube.com

 On the homepage alone there’s more than 30 explicit photos. All right there point blank range from the child's head.

 I cut off the computer and then start trying to think of something to say.  Scientists estimate the human brain makes over 20 Million calculations per second. 20 million, and I couldn’t find shit to say to these people.

 Do I close my laptop and walk off?

No. That’ll only confirm for them that I’m a pervert.

 Do I sit down and act like nothing happened?

 No. That’ll get me punched in the face by the dad.

 Do I apologize?

 Yes.  Now what do I say?

  I’m going through my rolodex of phrases in the English Language that could possibly smooth this thing over. There’s nothing. There's nothing in the English language that you can say in once sentence that amounts to… “Hey Sorry about the porn popping up on my computer. But I assure you that I’m not a pervert and I’m not attracted to your child.”

 20 Million Calculations per second and the only thing my brain came up with to say to these people was…

 “Have you Tried the All New America Online?”

They didn’t get the joke. I followed that with, “It’s not what you think…there’s a lot of funny videos on there.”  Which is like saying you read ‘Playboy’ for the articles. No one believes you.

 I simply closed my laptop and walked to Subway to get a cookie.

 English is a hard language to master. I should probably learn Spanish.

 Wood, Jr.