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April 25, 2008

“I do good things with my life too. The problem is, none of it’s funny.”- Doug Stanhope

RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC-   I was a bit out of my league this past weekend. I’ve never done the whole “celebrity weekend” gala stuff before. From the outside looking in, these type of affairs never seem like my cup of tea.  I’m not rich. I don’t know how to schmooze w/ rich people. I don’t have rich people “speak” in my vernacular. I just never feel comfortable.

HBO had this celebrity green room set up at the Def Comedy Jam tapings last year and I saw Russell Simmons talking with Sanna Lathan.

I immediately felt out of place and left. No matter how many jokes I tell, I always feel like I should be walking around serving appetizers instead of mingling like the other entertainers.

Sales Associate in my Brain: “Um Sir, I'm sorry. Our Self-Esteem is out of stock. Did you check on Aisle 3?

I guess I’m a bit of a recluse.

      But this particular celebrity gala was a cancer benefit so how could I say no. Especially since my father died of prostate cancer.

NFL players Torry Holt (* of the St. Louis Rams*) and his Brother Terrence Holt (*of the Arizona Cardinals*) created the Holt Foundation in honor of their mother who died from the disease in 1996. The foundation’s main function is to assist the children of cancer of patients in understanding the disease and getting acclimated to their parent’s new health conditions.

  This is accomplished through programs, camps and personal mentors for the children at various hospitals around the country. To help raise money for the cause there was a ton of autographed sports memorabilia being auctioned off, as well as a celebrity golf tournament and a banquet. People even got to bid on who they wanted to have as a playing partner in the Golf Tournament to follow the next day.

In attendance were about 30 or so NFL players past and present as well as a few baseball stars. It was a great event for a great cause and

I was honored that the Holt Brothers wanted me there. (* I had no idea that Torry Holt sits on Youtube watching comedy clips and prank calls*).

 In spite of all of the above, I still came into the evening with these weird preconceived notions about professional athletes.

 I have this theory about comedy

I believe that there is a certain income level that a person reaches where ALMOST NOTHING makes them laugh. Comedy is simply pain recycled. People in pain need to laugh the most. Poor people and sick people have the most problems to forget, therefore they’ll laugh harder. Most rich people aren’t in pain; Therefore, they’ll laugh less.

  Make sense?

 “Do you really think NFL Players give a shit about rising gas prices?  They’re rich.  They’re less likely to laugh at that joke.”  I thought to myself.

I was in my head from the time I left the hotel. Guy Torry was one of the celebs in attendance so talking to him for a while about comedy helped to clear my brain.

      In spite of this, my set went well which was a relief because I could then spend the rest mingling with everyone. Had I don’t this before my set I would’ve realized just how regular these guys were. I took a picture with San Diego Chargers Wide-out Chris Chambers (* ex Miami Dolphin..my team*). We spoke briefly about his time in Miami and my desires for him to return to South Florida.

Wood & Chris Chambers

We then took a pic. I go to walk off after taking the pic and Chris Chambers asks to see the pic, he notices that he blinked, and politely offers to take another pic with me.

 I would’ve never expected that.  

 Most celebs want you to take the pic and get the hell on or they just don’t have the time.

SIDE NOTE:  Remind me to blog about the time I met Samuel L. Jackson last month.

After everything ended, one of the players invited me to a local martini bar for some drinks and camaraderie. How can you say ‘no’ to that?

 So we get to this place and it’s very upper lever ritzy type spot. Lucky for me I’d been to Amani’s enough times in Birmingham so I was able to blend in here.

 It was a pretty normal evening for the first hour or so, and then in walks this guy…

 I have no idea who this man is.  All I know is that he came into the club dressed EXACTLY like you see him, and he danced for at least 45 minutes straight. No breaks. he only stopped to sip his water.  

And he wasn’t drunk.

The way he was moving on the dance floor was similar to a 50 year-old "fat elvis version" of Justin Timberlake. The guy looked like Justin Timberlake if he let himself go for the next 50 years. It was at this time that Guy Torry dubbed him "Justin Timberlake's Daddy".

Guy Torry, Dre Bly (* Broncos*), and some Asshole

When the camera phone first came out I thought it was dumb. I thought it was a way for corporate America to get you to buy the same shitty phone two times by adding something dumb to the phone and then tricking you into thinking you need the phone.

 Then the video phone came out. And I thought the same thing.  But it was here in this martini bar at 2:30 in the morning that I finally realized why the offer video phones….for occurrences like this.

I videoed this man dancing until the battery died in my phone. Initially, this video was going to be used for my first ‘Equilibrium Blog’  to involve a white person. But once I got Gary outside to talk to him it became evident that he was DEAD SERIOUS.

   The best part of the video.. This man is sober. I saw him drink nothing but WATER for almost 2 hours in the club.

Which, when you think about it, is actually more scary.  I’m scared of drunk people but it’s the people who act crazy sober that I’m really worried about.  At least drunk people wake up in the morning full of regret and spewing apologies.

After the phone battery died I pulled out the digital camera and starting snapping away. The best part about Dan as a Dancer is that he uses the room. It's not about just using the dance floor you have to use your surroundings...

The Floor.

The Pilliars in the floor.

Another Pillar.

All in all it was a cool gig. I met a lot of people whom I never thought I’d meet, and met some people that ended up to be pretty damn cool. (*Comedian Flick Brown, Ricky, & Asha Bre from the Barbershop Talk Sportstalk morning show in Raleigh*).

It was a good night. I made some new friends, I ate for free, drank for free, and helped raise alot of money to cure a horrible disease.....and I got to meet Justin Timberlake's Daddy.

It was a good Sunday in North Carolina.

Wood, JR.

(l to r.  Larry Fitzgerald, Marshall Faulk, Dre Bly, Guy Torry, Torry Holt, and some asshole*)