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April 11, 2008

BALTIMORE, MD-  NOTE: this blog was written 2 months ago but I sat on it for a while. Had to wait for the block to cool off.

 2^nd trip  to Baltimore was a blast. Easily one of my top 5 cities to perform in. I’m headed back to the Comedy Factory in August and I can’t wait.

 I was invited during the day to speak to at a conference for black college journalism students. My Alma Mater, Florida A&M for whatever reason thought I’d have something positive to offer to the young people so they arranged for me to speak at the shin dig.

What I do know is that speaking in a formal setting is no different than doing a comedy show. Your opening statement has to be strong enough to suck the listener into the rest of your performance. My first words to America’s future journalists…

      “I met a stripper this morning. She was covered in fruit.”

 Allow me to explain.

Mickey & Wood

   I love doing radio. One of my few regrets in traveling more to do comedy was having to resign from my regular morning radio duties in Birmingham.

Doing the prank calls is cool, but there’s nothing like interacting with the callers and the in-studio guests because you NEVER know what you’re going to get.

      This is why I LOVE doing morning radio to promote my shows. It’s the next best thing to being back on the air. Mickey & Amelia's show on Rock 98 in Baltimore is one of the best. Hands down it’s in my top 5.  (* Bob & Tom, Big D in Peoria, Weasel Show Ft. Wayne,IN and Buckwilde Morning Show B’ham AL if you must know the other 4*)

  But Rock 98 is by far the most unregulated of the group. There’s always something crazy going on there. This particular morning a local strip club owner was in-studio promoting some sort of  “Naked Buffet”  shit they he had going on at his spot.

    In Japan, “Sushi Models” are the norm in higher end restaurants. The women lie naked on a table with their torso covered in sushi, sea weed, and flowers while patrons eat the food off their bodies. Some spots in America are copying the practice as well.

The strip club in Baltimore was now offering the same thing to it’s customer but not with sushi, instead, with cucumbers, carrots, and bagels…yes, bagels.

So in walks this chick and she lays up on a table and they immediately wrap her from waist to ankle in cellophane and then her people applied a base layer of Cool Whip to help the veggies stay in place.

    And if being covered in cool whip wasn’t humiliating enough, They made the girl wear a sea shell bra and taped a cardboard “tail” to her feet so that she’d look like a mermaid.  

You know, the kind of mermaid that delivers bagels and slices of cheese fresh from the sea.  

(*NOTE: The only reason she wore the bra was because she was at the radio station. In the club she’d be lying on the table topless*)

What troubled me about this situation was that the chick never cracked a smile. She seemed miserable. So on the air I posed the question, “Do you like doing this?”

 “It’s very uncomfortable.” She replied. “you have to lie motionless for hours. All the girls in the strip club take turns throughout the night being food models.  Every two hours one of us comes off the stage and works the table. None of us want to do it because You don’t make as much in tips as you would when you’re dancing.”

 To which I replied… “Food Model?”

 THIS is a form of modeling?

Laying on a strip club table with ya titties out , letting drunken married men eat sliced cucumbers off your belly while bobbing their head to rap music.  Modeling?  Really?

Maybe I’m being naïve or chauvinistic (* feel free to put me in my place if you think so*) but I could’ve sworn this chick works in a strip club.  Therefore, she is a stripper.

 You’re butt naked sliding upside down on pole but for two hours a week customers should put you on the same level of elegance that they do supermodels?

 I giggled at this notion, which apparently annoyed the chick because she snapped back. “You know, women pose naked all the time in magazines and stuff. And they’re called models.”

 Which is a good point. To which I informed her that there’s a fine line between a woman lying naked for on a table for art and lying naked on a table for entertainment.  The difference my friend… is the tip jar.

  The simple fact that you lay naked covered in pineapples and grapes. could possibly make you a model. That is very true. But to do it in exchange for tips devalues the whole “artistic, beautiful naked woman mother of the Earth, statuesque, Nudity is classy” aspect of the art form.

You’re not a model, you’re stripper covered in snacks taking a two hour break from the pole.

PERIOD.

 I’ve never seen Tyra Banks working bagel crumbs out of her belly button.

We've all seen women model in the nude for photographers and sculptors. Guess what...No tip jar.

When was the last time you watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show on CBS and heard the announcer say…

 (* Strip Club DJ Voice*)-“Heeeeyyyy felllas make sure you tip those models they’re working hard for ya walking up and down that stage in those Louis Vuitton heels. Next girl coming to stage it's tttyyyyyrrrraaaaaa.”

This apparently pissed of Jill J McFruit Bowl and she made a snappy remark at me. “Well at least I’m a stripper the moment I walk in a strip club. Doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll never be a funny comedian.

I wasn’t trying to offend the young lady I was just trying to make a point.

Later that evening Fruitbowl sent me a friend request on Myspace which made me slow down on writing this blog because I wanted to be sure she wasn't on my page anymore before I told this story.

Do you see the Mermaid Tail?

 So fast forward to 3 hours later.

 I’m in a hotel conference room at the podium in front of hundreds of college students trying to find the right thing to say.

  The point I was trying to make was this…

 I wanted to remind the young people that they were in a very privileged position. The opportunities for young journalists are more immense now than when I entered college in 1996. Back then ESPN was only one channel, the network now has 5 variations. There was no MSNBC, No Fox News Channel, No Fox Sports Net, No Satellite Radio, and the Internet had yet to prove itself as a media force. It was just a place to meet perverts.

The opportunities to make yourself a better journalist are out there. Don’t make the mistake I did by ignoring them. This conference room is full of companies that will give you an opportunity to make yourself a better journalist so that when you graduate you’ll have the tools to compete with other people vying for the same positions.

 A High GPA is nice, but nothing is more valuable than experience. A high GPA doesn’t prove that you can do the job. But an internship does. And this weekend you’ll find plenty of opportunities to keep yourself busy this summer don’t pass them up.

Now, that's what I was trying to say.

But What came out my mouth was…

 “I met a stripper this morning. She was covered in fruit. Don’t end up like that.”  

   I don’t know what your goals are in life. But if you look up and you're 30 years old and lying on a strip club table with drunk men eating blue berry bagels off your body…you’ve done something wrong

 I have no idea if the kids paid attention to anything I said after my first sentence.

I hope so.

I’d hate to go back to Baltimore this fall and see one of them laid out on a strip club table covered in chicken wings.

Wood and Fruit Bowl in happier times

 GIRL: Hey aren’t you that comedian? You spoke at our journalism conference earlier this year. I dropped out of Hampton Univ. to become a model.

 ME: You’re not a model sweetie. You’re a stripper. Where’s the blue cheese dressing?

 GIRL: Down there on my mermaid tail. Don't forget to tip me.

 ME: Thanks

Wood, Jr.