Jan. 3 2008

SIOUX FALLS, SD-  It’s been over a year since I last went skydiving so I figured it was time for me to earn another  “White Man Merit Badge”.  This time hunting was the activity of choice.  Helluva way to spend a New Year’s Eve ahead of two shows tonight in Sioux Falls, SD.

 Every year I work Sioux Falls, and every year my buddy Benny (* A Dominican *) has tried to convince me to go hunting with him. I’d never been hunting. It didn’t seem like fun. Besides, everyone knows that A black man and a Dominican walking around with shotguns isn’t hunting. The police refer to it as ‘probable cause’.

      For the past four years I’ve declined Benny’s invitation to hunt.

 This year I finally caved in and agreed to go hunting. About 30 miles out of town We hooked up with Benny’s buddy Mike and his two son’s Cole,8 and Tucker, 15 (Tuck) and we walked the acres of Mike’s farm looking for pheasants to shoot.

Cole was on top of his hunting game. He stressed to me the importance of only shooting the male pheasants.  The males are identified by their more colorful coats and Cole reminded me of this by saying,

"Don't forget Mr. Roy, do like my daddy told me. Only shoot coloreds."

I laughed to myself for a minute and then stressed to Cole the importance of adding the word 'pheasants' to the end of that sentence. Because in some parts of America, the coloreds shoot back.

He didn't get it.

               Male Pheasant                          Female Pheasant

 The strategy to hunting pheasants is fairly simple. The hunters spread out in an open field and walk side by side. About 20 yards ahead of the hunters are 2-3 dogs that run through the underbrush and scare the pheasants into the air. Once the birds are in the air…you open fire.

 Sounds Simple Enough right?

 Wrong.

It’s 8 degrees today….literally….8 degrees. And we’re walking through a foot of snow. Walking through deep snow is very similar to walking through mud and just as exhausting. And after doing it for 45 minutes straight, my quads are on fire and so are my hamstrings.

 But walking slow isn’t an option. You have to move at a pretty fast pace to keep up with the dogs so now I’m out of breath, but the only air I can breathe is so cold that it feels like I’m swallowing steak knives. My lungs are on fire, I’m out of breath, my legs are sore, my face is freezing and now there’s snow in my boots.

 “Having fun Mr. Roy?” Asked Cole.  I didn’t reply.

Cole,  Wood,  &  Benny

  Every year you hear about some tragic hunting accident where some hunter mistakes another guy for a deer or some shit and shoots him in the head. The public always says the same thing,

 “Hunters are stupid.”

 “Those dumb drunk hunters.”

 “How could the hunter not notice that his buddy didn’t look like a deer?”

 It’s not that the hunter didn’t notice that his buddy wasn’t deer, it’s that he’s so damn tired that he doesn’t care anymore.

 I’ve been walking around this open field for 2 hours now and I’m ready to do anything to get back inside a warm building…including shoot another hunter. Getting snow in your boots has a way of making you care less about another person’s life.

I don’t have the statistics to back it up but I’m willing to bet you money that every hunting accident in this country occurs 2-3 hours into the trip.  I can completely understand how some hunters accidentally shoot their buddies.

   You’re all alert at first. When you first get out the truck and start walking you’re thinking about all the hunting rules.  

      1.       Do Not fire at targets that aren’t above the horizon

2.       Keep up with the dogs. Don’t let them get too far ahead of you. They’ll scare out birds that aren’t in range of your shotgun

3.       Your Shotgun has a kill radius of about 40 yards.

4.       Keep your rifle pointed down range or straight into the sky

5.       Only shoot male pheasants

6.       Male pheasants are larger and more colorful than the females

7.       Gun safety on when not actively stalking prey

8.       Remain as silent as possible.

9.       Walk along side other hunters. Never should you walk directly in front of another hunter.

10.     Keep 10-15 yards between you and each hunter.

11.     Hunters on the wing should be 10 yards ahead of the centermost hunter

12.    To steady your shot. Hold your breath when shooting.

13.     If you see a hen (female) fly out the underbrush. Scream “HEN!” to assist other hunters in identifying the bird as a non-target.

  Do you really think you could remember all of that after 2 hours of walking in 8-degree weather? After 2 hours of frostbite, fatigue, and muscle cramps the list is shortened to…

 1.       Shoot anything that comes out of those f---king bushes…including the dog.

The dark side of hunting that’s never discussed is the cleaning of the animal. They’ll never show that on ESPN. I shot a bird and Mike shot two.

But Mike and Tuck skinned and cleaned the bird with NO GLOVES. Maybe I’m just a city boy, but I’ve seen enough reports on CNN about Hanta Virus, Ebola, Mad Cow Disease, SARS, and Herpes to not want to wash my bare hands in pheasant blood.

I wonder if Mike has cable. Doesn’t look like it.

I don’t know whom that bird’s been dating. I don’t know his sexual history. I spent 10 minutes looking around for rubber gloves or some hand sanitizer.

 Benny tried to coax me into skinning the one bird that I shot. “C’mon man. Every hunter skins his first kill. It’s tradition.”  he said.

Before performing at the Apollo Theatre all performers touch the 'Tree of Hope' for good luck.

 That is a tradition.

Singing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ before Sporting events.

That is a Tradition

 Rappers pouring out liquor on the ground for in memory of their friends that have died.

 That is a Tradition.

This is not a Tradition.

 This is called “Catching Bird Flu”.

 Other than almost vomiting in the shed the hunting thing is ok.  I think people hunt more so for the conversation than anything. Hunting is quite uneventful at times and the conversation of others is all u have. You probably only shoot your gun once every 30-45 minutes. It’s Kinda like being a Los Angeles Police Officer.

 I was out on the flank with Cole, the 8-year old and we chatted it up. Cole has to hunt with a pellet rifle until he’s at least 15-16 and he was a little bummed out about that so we discussed that and a few other topics ranging from ‘Guitar Hero’ to Hannah Montana tickets. My topics seemed to be boring Cole so he instantly got mature on me.

 “Are you married? How old are you?” he asked.

 “No I’m not married and I’m 29.” I replied.

 “29 ! You should have 2 kids by now,” he said to me.

 Once I realized that this was no typical 8-year old it gave me the ability to talk to him on another level. As we hiked through the snow I told tales of failed relationships past and present all for the sole purpose of trying to get him to understand why I wasn’t married.

 Honestly, for me. It was better than going to a mental therapist.  

 We even worked our way down to my frustrations with the new Ford Focus.

I pushed it to 300,000 miles in 4 years. I bought the car in black and added on some tinted the windows, a spoiler, and a personalized license plate.

You couple those items with a nice long drawn out story about the struggles of comedy and most women wouldn’t hold driving a Ford Focus against you. Those days are gone. I rented a car a few weeks ago and they gave me the newly redesigned Ford Focus.

 On one of his CD's George Carlin talks about the “pussification” of the American Man.

This is what he was referring to. There isn’t enough chrome rims and tint on earth to add enough masculinity to this car.  The Ford Focus looks feminine now.  I was trying to explain to Cole that this bothered me.  He simply replied..

 “Roy It really doesn’t matter what body style the car has. If you’re a grown man driving that kind of car people are probably going to call you a pussy regardless. Drive a Chevy.”

 Leave to an 8-year old to simplify my life for me.

Skydiving...Check

Hunting...Check

Next up. Skiing

 Wood, Jr.