LUMBERTON, NC-  Halfway to Maryland I spent the back end of yesterday's drive thinking about much simpler flying is. In this case though I save about $400 by driving to these Maryland college gigs instead of flying. Besides I'm planning to go skydiving next week in Vegas and if I'm planning to waste money doing that then I need to be tightwad about everything else.

Personally If I didn't' have any luggage I'd rather airplanes give passengers the option of jumping out of the plane as it flies over the city on final approach.

You simply lie sleep on the plane and then the flight attendant comes and wakes you up… "Mr. Wood it's time. We're approaching your drop zone thank you for flying Delta."  

They give you a parachute and some goggles and minutes later you're landing safely at your house. The exception to this rule would have to be rainy / windy weather and nighttime conditions.

Unless you fly first class and they're willing to supply you with night vision goggles.  

And I'm guessing you'd have to exit out the rear of the plane so that you're clear of the engines. It'd suck for someone to jump out the side of the plane only to be sucked into one of the engines. I think I've given this too much thought.

I don't know why airlines don't already have parachutes as a safety precaution. The safety plan they have in place now is corny and an insult to my intelligence.

Personally I think that if the cabin depressurizes, kids shouldn't get oxygen. The lack of oxygen will quiet their cries.

Speaking of kids, this diagram shows you how to use your seat cushion as a floatation device in the "unlikely event of a water landing" .

First of all, what the hell is a "Water landing" it's not a "water landing". It's called CRASHING INTO THE F------G OCEAN !!! But they can't say that over the P-A because old people would freak out.

Don't talk down to me. And don't insult my intelligence. Don't show me a picture of a lady floating in the ocean on a seat cushion SMILING!!   Look closely at this chick's face, she might not be smiling but she doesn't appear to be having a bad time in the ocean fully clothed with sharks swimming around. Does she look tormented and stressed out? Her hair's not even messed up.

 Where are the other people in the water? Where's the blood? Where's the dead bodies? Where's the plane debris? According to this picture a "water landing" is fun and groovy. In fact it's so much fun that you'll want to bring your infant with you.

And for the record, If ever I'm in a water landing, I'm not using my seat cushion as a floatation device. Chances are I shit my pants during the crash. Why would I use that cushion? I shouldn't have to smell my own turds while waiting in the ocean for the Coast Guard. 

And let's not forget that the pic of the plane landing on water the plane if floating. When's the lasttime you saw an airplane crash over water and float perfectly? Don't insult my intelligence Delta.

 When was the last time you saw a plane crash on CNN and the plane was PERFECT and FLOATING?  Lets review a few plane crash pics over land and water and compare them to our diagram, tell me if any of these plane crashes resemble our diagram.

An NO I'm not helping anyone get off the plane once I get off. Every time I sit in an exit row the flight attendant comes over and tries to deputize me into helping people. Hey lady, I'm not getting paid to be on this plane, you are. Look at these pic of these two exit row turds as they spring to their feet like superheroes to help everyone off the wing of the plan and down the slide.

 I paid $92 to ride this plane one-way from Birmingham to Tampa. I'm not risking getting burned up for another coach class turd. The best anyone will get from me for $92 is

 "FOLLOW ME YOU BROKE MOTHERF-----RS!!!!    WE JUST CRASHED!!" 

 That's it. I'm not even saying it twice. I'm not helping.  What are you going to do to me if I don't help other passengers? Ban me from Delta? That's fine with me, I wasn't planning to fly Delta again considering that we JUST CRASHED INTO THE  F------G OCEAN !!!!.

Now that we're on the ground and we know where to get out… we need to know HOW to get out.  Thankfully this pic covers it.

The top pic tells you that if the exits is blocked by water then don't open the door. HUH?

Just two pages ago you told me that water landings were fun and groovy and now I can't open the damn door to enjoy myself?

The second panel in this pic is hilarious. "If blocked by fire do not exit" Who is this idiot? Who is the idiot who opens the door while flames are burning his face? If the person in front of you opens the door to look out into burning flames, push that person into the flames and close the door.

Look closely at the last panel…"No Smoking".

 Huh?

Sometimes I wish I was a smoker just so I could piss off some of these Neo-Nazi non-smokers. You don't want people smoking next to you in Applebee's or a Comedy Club fine but We just crashed into the middle of the ocean, an idiot just opened a door and stuck his head into an open flame, I shit my pants, the plane's not floating, sharks are picking off floating passengers like it's a salad bar and you're going to sit next to me and tell me that 2^nd hand smoke is what you're worried about right now?

 SCREW YOU !!!!   This plane just crashed, I NEED a cigarette.

I don't smoke but if I survived a crash that looks anything like those pictures above, there's two things I'd be doing a lot more of…praying and marijuana. Personally I think marijuana smoke should be pumped through the oxygen masks to help calm the passengers. Maybe then I'd be open to the idea of the kids getting an oxygen mask.

 "Um mam, can you just push me out the plane here, my house is coming up….Oh no, mam, he's coming with me too, I never jump without a white man."

 "It's just my thoughts. Right or wrong, just what I was feeling at the time"- jay-Z

 Wood, Jr.