August 15, 2007

 LOS ANGELES- Sometimes when I’m bored I fart in the frozen food cooler at the grocery store.

I’d like to believe that the aroma of my farts will be frozen in time and the next person to open the cooler would pimp slapped by my smells as they reach for the Eggo Waffles.

 I tried to take this picture as quickly as possible but the self-timer on my camera takes too long to flash. Three seconds before this picture went off a man and his son turned the corner on my aisle.

 I’m sure he’s going to have to explain to his son what the hell he just witnessed.

 I spend more time in the grocery store people watching than I do actually shopping. I try my best to not stare or eavesdrop but you can’t help but hear half the dumb shit people say to each other.

 It was recently discovered that bottled water brands Aquafina and Dasani are made from “public water sources.” The same water sources that supplies the tap water you cook and shower with.

 Here a link to the Story if you missed it.

Everyone ran around screaming bloody murder that they had been betrayed and that the bottled water industry had lied to them.

 Which brings me to this chowder head.

 She goes to grab a case of Aquafina and her big swollen bodybuilder of a boyfriend commands her,

 “DON’T GET THAT!   That shit is tap water!”

 She obliges and grabs some mountain spring water. As they walk off he gives her the speech about how mountain spring water is better than Dasani as if he’s some sort of water specialist for the city.

 He’s not.

 He’s just another jackass jumping and dancing as the media tells him to. All these corporations lie. The only difference between Aquafina and everyone else is that Aquafina got caught. 

 PERIOD.

 Pledging allegiance to a new corporation that has yet to be caught in a lie doesn’t prove they aren’t lying.

 I hate to break it to you people who feel betrayed by Aquafina but the grocery store is FILLED with lies. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

Newsflash People:

Philadelphia Cream Cheese is made in Illinois. In fact it doesn’t have shit to do with the city of Philadelphia. 

Read about it here

 Makes you wonder about the origins of the Philly cheese steak too huh?

               Little Elves don’t make cookies.          They don’t make cereal either.        

Newsflash People:

Rabbits Don’t make chocolate Milk…

 or cereal, 

or Easter eggs,

or vitamins.

Some old black person doesn’t make all rice. I know you want to believe that. But I'm pretty sure that Uncle Ben is either dead or somewhere spending his money.

The same thing goes for Old black women on syrup bottles.

  If you believe that a f*cking talking glove can tell you how good meat and noodles tastes then you should go play in traffic.

 The same thing goes for a talking head that loves potato chips. Objects that do not have a stomach can't tell you how good something tastes.

Cheetahs eat animals…not cheese flavored snacks.  

 I think you get my point.

 What made me laugh about the water thing is that big beef neck wanted is girl to get mountain water like there isn’t shit floating around in mountain water that has to be sifted through before it’s bottled.

You think tap water and you instantly think about turds, used condoms and dead rats floating in the water you’re about to drink.

On the side label of every bottle of water is some shitty story about how the water was discovered and how much care the company put into bring you the water…

 Here’s one from ARROWHEAD-

“Arrowhead comes to exclusively from natural mountain sources in the U.S. and Canada Adirondack Mountains”

 Yeah Mountain Spring water is taken from mountain springs but do you REALLY believe Arrowhead water is bottled at the source?  In order for something to TRULY be “Bottled at its source” there would have to be a man standing in the middle of the river with empty bottles filling them up one at a time.

You know what’s in Mountain springs, dead animals that grizzly bears couldn’t finish off, salmon chunks, catfish turds and my personal favorite…dead human body juices.

Yes, dead human body juices.

Stick with me for a second on this one.

Other climbers LITERALLY hike around the dead bodies to reach the top of the mountain.

Here’s a great link from yahoo about the dead bodies that litter the mountain. Very short 2-3 paragraph read.

 http://ask.yahoo.com/20041102.html

 But my point being.. when mountain climbers die too far up a mountain

THEIR BODIES ARE NEVER REMOVED FROM THE MOUNTAIN. 

 Which means what… the body becomes part of the mountain’s ecosystem. 

 Now…

 For the most part, mountain springs are simply melted snow from the mountains that tower above them.

So assuming that some of these climbers died in a part of the mountain that gets warm enough for the snow to melt every now and then, guess what’s flowing down they mountain with the melted snow…

dead human body juices !!

 Mmmmm taste the vitamins.

And then there are the people who love the glacier water. Here’s good ol Alaska Glacier Cap Bottled water.

 Their WEBSITE  http://www.alaskaglacier.com/  presents an interesting argument about why Glacier water is better than mineral or spring water. Here's what their website had to say.

 MOST BOTTLED WATERS USE RECYCLED WATER!!!
They can’t help it.  Mother Nature recycles all water. Get it from a river, get it from a spring, get it from a well, seven years ago that water was used by someone (or something) else, unless...
Unless your water was stored in the Eklutna Glacier, for 23,000 years.
Pure Alaska Glacier VIRGIN water is simply the best.

They’re right. The process of evaporation , condensation, & precipitation does recycle water. But does that truly mean that Glacier water is clean?

 Do any of you watch the Discovery Channel?

You ever see the specials about the seals and the polar bears, and the penguins? They all live on glaciers. Look closely at these pics and you’ll notice something is missing…

 A bathroom.

 Penguins urinate directly into the ice. Polar bears are probably shitting right onto the ice as well. So when the Alaska company comes to break off some chips of ice to melt into their next batch of bottled water guess what they’re melting down…Frozen Penguin Piss Popsicles w/ a side order of dead seal blood.

 All you can do is hope they sterilized the water and cooked off the penguin germs before they bottle it up.

My point…

 Were you drinking Aquafina before the CNN Story broke? 

 Did it taste good?  

Did it quench your thirst?

 Did you feel good after your drank it? 

If your answer is yes to these questions then shut up and enjoy your water.

 It doesn’t really matter where the f*ck your water comes from. Mountains, streams, glaciers, underground caves, or the colored only water fountain in rural Alabama.

All you can do is trust that all the germs, human dead body juices and penguin piss have been removed before it hits your lips.

 Happy drinking.

 Wood, Jr.

P.S.

By the way, is that a Black or Puerto Rican Keebler elf on the end?