LONG BEACH, CA – Welcome to Long Beach California. The way Snoop Dogg and Warren G rap about this part of California you’d think it’s relatively close to Los Angeles. It is…on paper. But in your car in Los Angeles traffic, Long Beach is about 2 hours away.
The Orange County Flyers are playing the Long Beach Armada and I have to be at the game. The team’s Official name is the longest team name in all of professional sports: The Long Beach Armada of Los Angeles of California of the United States of North America including Barrow Alaska.
I’m making the special trip out here today to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the game…or so I thought.
“Um Sir. Your Name isn’t on the list,” the ticket booth turd told me. “They don’t have you down as throwing out the first pitch.
Now, I’ve been stood up by before.
By night clubs, by women, by comedy clubs. It’s all in the game of life.
At one time or another in our life we’ve all walked up to the front door of a place that’s supposed to have our name on “the list” but they never do. And we have to stand there with this look of stupid on our face.
I’ve had women cancel on me at the last minute before a date due to some non specific event “come-up.” Hell, just two weeks ago in Louisville a girl LEFT ME AT THE MOVIES. I rode to the movies with her (Mistake number 1. Always drive yourself fellas), 20 minutes into the flick She stepped outside to “make a phone call” and she never returned.
I sat there watching Die Hard 4 by myself fielding text messages from her that said.. “Sorry I had to leave my kid had an emergency.” I guess she talked to Jesus about it or something because she’s been very apologetic about it since. It wouldn’t have so much have bothered me but she didn’t have the common courtesy to come back into the theatre to give me the opportunity to leave w/ her and have her drop me off at the hotel (which was on the way to the hospital).
At least give me the option of leaving before relegating me to a $28 cab ride back to my hotel. I wouldn’t have left anyway. Die Hard 4 was a damn good movie. What was trippy about that whole situation is that it wasn’t some sort of “official” date. She had no reason to bail on me. It was a no pressure situation. I’m too cheap to rent a car in certain cities so all week on stage I joked about wanting to see Die hard 4 if someone would give me a ride I’d pay for their ticket. She offered. For a free movie ticket and some popcorn, chauffeur me to and from the movie theatre.
Moral of the story: Rent a car.
I’ve been stood up before. There was the time in 2002 when comedian Spanky Brown and I were 4 hours into a 7 hour drive to a gig in Florida when the booker called us to inform us that the room decided to close down. We were paid a cancellation fee and sent back home.
There was time in Austin TX that the black headliner (who brought a black comic with him) decided that he didn’t want me as a black opening act. “I need me a white boy or a chico opening for me dawg. No hard feelings,” he said. He had all day to put me off the show but he waited until 30 minutes before showtime.
Moral of the story: I should’ve been born white.
What’s crazy is that events like that never disappointed me. But me not getting to throw out the first pitch did. Because I was looking forward to it. I wasn’t trying to have sex w/ the chick in Louisville, and being sent home 3 days early from Austin didn’t bother me that much because I was still paid for the week. But hearing:
“Um Sir. Your Name isn’t on the list,” from the ticket booth turd crushed me much in the same way your dad saying “Me and Mommy are getting a divorce.”
Or that chick you just met 2 weeks ago saying “Yep, I’m pregnant.”
Considering that I’d driven for 2 hours I demanded to know what happened. So I demanded to speak with the PR person that booked me for the event…
“I’m not on the list?! Well then I need to speak to Charles!!” I screamed.
“Charles got laid off 2 weeks ago.” said the turd.
There was nothing I could say to that. Apparently the new PR person chose to book new guests. Now one would assume that the Charles would’ve called me to let me know he was laid off but if we learned nothing else from the Louisivlle chick we should have learned that notificatinon is out of the question.
I still love baseball enough to grab a $7 ticket and run into the park just in time to see my replacements throw out the first pitch. I watched them have all the fun. They got to take pics with some random model chicks. One of them even got to touch her booty. I sat in the stands with this horrible look of disappointment on my face. I’d brought my baseball glove and everything. I was sitting in the stands looking like a kid that was supposed to meet his daddy at the the game but “Daddy had to work again.”
I still had a good time at the game watching a few innings. And walking around taking in the sites. I thought it was funny that they had a moonbounce for the kids and a bar for the parents right next to each other. This way you could watch your kids while you drink but there’s only so long you can drink beer and stare at other people’s children before you look like a child molestor so back to the stands I went.
When all else fails in baseball sit next to people who’re rooting for Long Beach and root for Orange County. I’m starting to accept my role in the baseball stadium as “resident asshole.”
Remember the blog I wrote a few years back about getting kicked out of Wrigley Field in Chicago?
I’m going to see if fellow Myspacer K Feezy is interested in swapping tickets to my show next weekend to tickets to the Astros games that she bartends at. The Astros are playing the Padres and I could care less about either team, which means I could go from section to section of the stadium being an equal opportunity asshole..
I just hope when I get to the window in Houston that my name is on the list.
