BILLINGS, MT – The temperature this morning is –12 degrees here in Montana. Leaving me to ask the simple question, why does Montana even exist? I’m not quite sure why temperature is even measured under 20 degrees. Anything under 20 degrees all feels the same, cold as hell. But here I sit hoping that my plane is de-iced enough to get me to South Carolina by the end of the day. There are plenty of things on my mind but all I can think right now is Lewis and Clark was a couple of dumb Asses.
These two chowder heads are responsible for where I am today. Lewis & Clark were hired by president Thomas Jefferson to explore America from Illinois to the Pacific Ocean. The purpose of the mission was to see what parts of America were going to be feasible for commerce and settling.
Lewis and Clark then rounded up an entourage and walked around the northwest and shot the president back a text message every so often to let him know what they found. Every telegram they sent back to the president was basically a tale of how “great” and “abundant” the land was.
“Dearest President Jefferson. STOP. Our Journey has taken us afar from our homes. We have made contact with Blackfoot Indians who have clothed and fed us. STOP. They have shown us how to make canoes. STOP. One of them is really cute, her name is Sacagawea. I’m going to try and holler at shawty.”
That passage isn’t a verbatim historical account of what was said but not once in the WIKIPEDIA ACCOUNT of their journey does Lewis and Clark tell President Jefferson:
“Our Dearest President, This Louisiana Purchase that you’ve had us to explore is cold and pointless. STOP. The French sold you a crappy piece of land. STOP. It’s cold as hell we’re coming home. See you in a week.”
That’s why cities like Billings, MT exist.
Spanish explorer Ponce De Leon had the right idea. He didn’t’ discover anything north of Florida you know why… TOO DAMN COLD. Lewis and Clark could’ve learned a lot from that cool Spaniard.
Don’t get me wrong, America’s Northwest is BEAUTIFUL but from November to February it turns into God’s Deep Freezer. And for me, 8 months of great weather isn’t a fair trade off for –12 degrees. It’d be like dating a guy that treats you good 8 months out of the year and then from Nov. to Feb. he beats you and the kids in the face.
Not a fair trade off.
Furthermore Clark had a black slave named York [Read about him here] whom he took on the journey with him. What I find hilarious is that in most historical accounts of York. he’s referred to as a “man servant.” I guess he was the first Fonzworth Bentley. In spite of helping Clark on the trek to the Pacific, York was denied his freedom upon returning to Illinois.
I guess the only good thing to come out of their trip is making it so cities like Seattle could be founded. Without Lewis and Clark there would be no Starbucks coffee or West Coast rap.
Here to Lewis and Clark, the true pioneers of West Coast Rap.
Wessssssttttsiiiiiidddddeeeee
Wood, jr.
