I turned 27 on Sunday. As you get older you start spending your birthdays comparing two checklists. The list of things you THOUGHT you would’ve achieved by now. And the list of things you HAVE achieved by now. Each year you come to realizations about yourself and scratch a thing or two off the list. This year I’m scratching off marriage.
I don’t think I’m cut out for it. Sooner or later I’m going to say something that will ruin my marriage. Most women I’ve dated I’ve never gone shopping with. My mom however I’ve gone out with on a regular basis. Each of these occasional 4-hour excursions leaves me sitting in a blinding rage fueled by her indecisiveness.
I’ve watched this lady mill over blouses and shirts for HOURS! “Should I get Lavender? Or Light purple?” she asks. “Should I get the cream, the egg shell, or the off-white?” I don’t care. I’m just the driver. Well after spending most of my birthday on the road heading back from Chicago my first objective upon reaching Birmingham is to drag Mama Wood out the house for a Christmas tree.
We go to one of the typical parking lot Christmas tree places to get one of the many trees strew out in the parking lot of a grocery store. It’s 23 degrees outside tonight. As minutes turn to hours my patience with my mom starts to wear thin. “Should I get a Douglas Fir or a Scotch Pine?” She hollers at me. I say nothing. “IT’S 23 DEGREES OUTSIDE JUST PICK A FUCKING TREE!!!” That’s what I thought to myself.
I’d never disrespect my mother by saying something like this, but I don’t know if I can make the same promise to my wife. When a man can no longer feel his fingers, his face, or his toes he can no longer be held responsible for what he says to a woman. And if marriage is this “equal footing” institution that they say it is. Then what’s to stop me from blurting out something at my wife in front of everyone? Not because I hate her, but because I’m fucking freezing. After an hour in the cold she’ll come up and say something silly like… “Should I get a Virginia Pine or Blue Spruce?” And then in a nice calm voice I’ll reply….
“JUST PICK A FUCKING TREE MOTHERFUCKER!! WE’VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR 2 HOURS WE COULD’VE GONE TO K-MART AND GOTTEN A FAKE TREE BUT NOOOOOOOO YOU WANT THAT FUCKING PINE SMELL IN OUR HOUSE. THE SAME PINE SMELL YOU CAN BUY IN A CAN OF GLADE FOR 1.99. WE’RE OUT HERE PICKING A FUCKING TREE THAT’S GOING TO DIE IN 2 WEEKS AND SHED PINE NEEDLES ALL OVER THE CARPET. THE SAME PINE NEEDLES THAT WILL POKE ME IN THE FOOT UNTIL MID JULY BECAUSE YOU DO SUCH A SHITTY JOB VACUMING THE CARPET. YOU’VE GOT 5 MINUTES TO PICK A TREE OR I’M LEAVING YOUR ASS OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER! AND OUR THIRD CHILD DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ME, BITCH I WANT A BLOOD TEST.”
She’ll file for divorce the next day and then I’ll be single again. But Hey, at least I wont have to go Xmas Tree shopping anymore.
Wood, Jr.
“It’s just my thoughts. Right or wrong, just what I was feeling at the time”- Jay-Z
