Ask Clyde

NOTICE: Clyde's advice is just that...advice. Honest advice but still, it's just advice. So if you're stupid enough to go out and do anything that a damn imaginary goat told you to do then you deserve whatever's coming to you. None the less, the good people at Roywoodjr.com are not responsible.

Email Clyde at: askclyde@aol.com

BACK TO THIS WEEK'S CLYDE

Q:Dear Clyde-- I'm 14 and I have been dating this girl, Alice for two months. When we started dating I told her I had sex before and I had just quit smoking and drinking. Well, Alice told her mom and now her mom doesnt believe I quit drinking or smoking. She also believes that I will pressure her daughter into having sex with me.

I want Alice's mom to approve of me because it'll make it easier on our relationship. I've been to their house three times and I've met her mom her dad and her aunt. The dad and aunt approve of me but the mom talks about me behind my back.

What can I do to get her mom to like me.

KEITH- GULFPORT, MS

A:- Hey Keith. The solution to your issue lies within the problem. Your girlfriends mom thinks youre a drunk who smokes and likes to have sex. But any parent who would let a drunk, smoking 14 year-old date her daughter is probably a drunk herself.

The last thing a drunk wants to meet is another drunk. You're a threat to her alcohol supply. The way to a drunks heart is through their liver. Go to your local liquor store and pay some homeless guy to purchase alcohol for you and give it to Alice's mom as a gift. Doesnt really matter what alcohol you get her just make sure its something nice that comes in a box with matching glasses or one of those little NASCAR visors.

Pretty soon you and her mom will be getting drunk together , her daughter will be pregnant by 15 and then you can move in and share a bunk bed with Alice's Brother. Three Generations in one Double-wide. You'll be the envy of the trailer park.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde-- I am in college. A girl from another country relies on me for all the information from the professor. I feel sorry for her because I understand how difficult it is to get a grasp on material when you don't speak English that well.

The professor asked us all the exchange phone numbers in case we missed a day of class. Now the girl wont stop calling me to clarify the material. I have 3 kids and my wife is beginning to think that Im cheating on her. Plus the fact that I explain the material to the girl in Spanish only makes my wife more suspicious. She doesnt speak Spanish so she has no way of knowing if its class material that were discussing or if Im flirting with the girl in Spanish.

I don't have time to reassure my wife that I'm being faithful, and I don't have time to re-teach material.

STRESSED ---SIOUX FALLS, SD

A: Hey Stressed, the solution to this problem is simple. Give the girl the wrong answers. The simplest way to keep people from coming to you for help is to convince them that youre a dumb ass. Since she already trusts you more than she does the professor, simply give her the wrong answers to all things you discuss. She'll flunk out for the semester and youll move on to another class and you wont have to deal with her again. She'll be someone elses problem.

I'm all for foreigners coming to better their lives here in America but nothing says PLEASE LEARN ENGLISH more than flunking a class over and over and over again.

If that doesnt work then try having sex with the girl. Nothing scares a woman away more than a man trying to having sex with her. And hey if she does agree to have sex with you then at least youre getting paid for your tutoring time.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde-- During the year I host a lot of holiday dinners in my home. Im a great-grandmother so there's three generations of people who are sitting at my dinner table. When it comes time to bless the food. Who should I ask to bless the food. I dont want anyone to feel left out. Because they're sometimes friends at the table as well. Should I ask the friends to bless the table or should I ask the next eldest person under me ? or the youngest? I don't want to offend anyone.

GOOD COOK- JACKSONVILLE, NC

A: GOOD COOK, I'm of the personal belief that a table blessing should be 'every man for himself'. Group blessing are great and emotional but they're a perfect example of the occasional religious inconsistencies that exist in our society.

Why are group blessing only allowed for food that someone slaved over in a kitchen for 4-hours? You go to a Super Bowl Party there's no group blessing. Same amount of people at the house eating but because it's a more festive atmosphere no one takes the time to bless THAT food. Why is that? Do Nachos and Salsa come from the factory pre-blessed? I think not.

Do you bless that bag of chips you get out of a vending machine? Probably not. And I'm not even going to explore the whole..."Someone at the dinner table might not be a Christian and not pray to your God so making them bow their head to pray to your God is offending them" angle of this situation.

Saying grace is highly overrated. A better solution is to pray on New Years Eve that God blesses EVERYTHING you eat for the coming year. Anyways I say that to say this. Let everyone bless their own food on their own accord. Besides you're a great-grandmother, your clock is ticking. You'll probably be dead by the time I reply to this message. Spend more time enjoying your family instead of worrying about who blesses what food.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde I have a question. Everybody I know here keeps getting a DWI. Whenever one person gets their case dismissed or found guilty, somebody else goes and gets one. After one friend of mine got his 3rd one, a friend of mine gets one, and once she gets hers dismissed, I get one, and then once I get mine dismissed, another friend of mine gets one. What's going on Clyde? Are we partying too much. Also Clyde, what should we do about my friend with 3 DWIs, because the state gave him back his license and car, and right when he gets it, he almost got a 4th DWI but the cop let him go cause somebody offered to pick him up, and he was in a town one hour away. I know it's going to be hard now cause here in Texas, they have the new law where the cops can arrest you for being drunk in the bar.

PARTYING HARD- AUSTIN, TX

A: HARD PARTIER! - DWI's can be a touchy subject. Numerous people are killed every year by idiots like you and your friends who chose to get intoxicated while driving. There's nothing wrong with partying, just do it responsibly. But sense responsibility left your brain years ago, go ahead and get stupid drunk in public. Much like the Olympics, the secret to keeping drinking entertaining is to change the venue. I suggest a shopping mall or Toys R Us. The four of you obviously have drank yourselves under the table at bars, time to take things up a notch.

Getting drunk in public places will give you a great story to tell your friends. One that's much much better than "We got drunk in a bar" . So what? Everyone's been drunk in a bar before. But who's been drunk at 'Long John Silvers' on Kids eat free night? Not many. You could be a pioneer man. Have you ever gotten drunk in Wal-Mart on a Saturday morning and popped a porno movie into all the display televisions in electronics? Now THAT'S a story. Much more entertaining than "A cop let me go once."

Have your lawyer subpoena the surveillance tape so that you can have a video memento of this event. Because TRUST ME, you will be arrested for this. But the important thing is that you'll be arrested long before you can make it to your car to drive home and danger sober motorists who don't deserve to die. A drunk driver is off the street, You've got a good story to tell, and the kids in electronics learn a valuable lesson about the dangers of tequila.

CLYDE.

Q:HEY CLYDE!-- How can I tell if a woman is flirting with me because she really likes me for me, or because she's drunk?

CHARLES HARRISON- LUBBOCK, TX

A:I was taught a long time ago. If a woman likes you....shut up and roll with it. Does it really matter WHY she likes you? Apparently you're a poor soul who wants a woman to like him for the content of his character. Unfortunately you only seem to attract drunken horny women. Well pardon me if I don't feel sorry for you Charles. Quit worrying about why women like you when they're drunk but why they don't call you after they wake up sober. There's obviously something about you that makes a woman say to herself..."I can only have sex with him if I'm drunk and lie and tell him my name is Amanda"

CLYDE.

Q:ClydeShould I wear my purple suit or my gray slacks this week to work?

GERALD FRANKLIN - OCALA, FL

A:First off, why the hell do you own a purple suit? The only person who should wear a purple suit to work is a pimp. And you are not a pimp, I know this because you're asking for fashion advice. Real Pimps don't ask for fashion advice. Well if you were a real pimp you're probably ask me a question like..."Should I wear the Purple Suit with the White Prostitute? Or the Lime Green Suit with the Black Prostitute?" Gerald, you're not a pimp, please throw away that purple suit and iron up the gray slacks and head to work.

CLYDE.

Q:Clyde I'm worried about manners in our country. For example, many grocery clerks or restaurant waiters these days don't even say "thank you". Nobody has appointed me the manners police but should I gently encourage people to say thank you by saying "You're Welcome" before they say 'Thank You' ?

ERMA JEAN LAMPKIN - TRACY, CA

A:Erma Jean, if every place you went told you 'thank you' do you really think it would come from the heart? They could care less if you came to their store. What are you gonna do Erma? Take your business elsewhere? Elsewhere across town to another grocery store that doesn't tell you thank you either? Shut up and buy your groceries. Thank You.

CLYDE.

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Q:Clyde Hey I've been dating this guy for 2 yrs. Every time I'm pleasing him orally he wants me to put my finger in his bum (*butt*). Is this natural for a man to want this, I told him that I'm uncomfortable doing it, but he don't care. He says either I do it or some other female will. What should I do?

CLEAN HANDS- MACON, GA

A:CLEAN, Exploring new sexual horizons with your man can always been a dicey area, especially if the two of you aren't on the same page. Some women are more reserved sexually while the men they date are more deviant. A common mistake that men make is to expect the same level of sexual deviance from the new woman that they may have gotten from a previous female. If you can't give him this level of sexual excitement then sex with you will become boring and predictable and YES it is likely that he will seek it from another woman...or man. Simply let him know that you don't feel comfortable doing this. Many believe that a nice heart to heart talk over dinner would do the trick in explaining this to him. But what better way to tell him that you don't want to put your finger in his "bum", than by shoving a remote control up there instead. Or maybe his cell phone. Or a DVD case. You get the picture.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde While my husband was away for two years working overseas, I had an affair with a good friend of his. I got pregnant, and had a child 3 months premature. I never told either men about the child. I put the child up for adoption before my husband came home. I've felt guilty for sixteen years about this. Should I tell him now? I desperately want to see the child and introduce him to his real father. I feel I need to release this secret that has been eating at me all these years. I don't want to hurt my husband, my son, or my son's father, but I feel he should know.

TOO MANY MEN IN MY LIFE - ELIZABETH, NJ

A:TOO MANY, the damage is done. If the kid wants to find you then he will. But the kid's father has gone 16 years thinking he doesn't have any kids, why stress him out with that now. For all you know this kid is having a good life and you coming back into the picture will only stress him out and send him into depression. If the kid finds you then that's another story. When he asks about his father simply tell him that his father died during a house party in a tragic accident involving Vodka, Jell-O Shooters, and a plugged in extension cord.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I'm in the 8th grade and being bullied in school right now. Everyday I come to school dreading this guy. I've talked to school teachers about it, but because the guy is a "model student" no one believes me. Is there anything left that I can do to get this guy to leave me alone?

JUST TRYING TO LIVE- TIFTON, GA

A:Hey JUST! School bullying is a very serious issue. It can cause a child to explore the deepest parts of his minds in search for revenge. I hope that you do not snap and shoot people in school. Instead do the next best thing...join a street gang. The beauty of a street gang is that you don't have to do the dirty work. Simply point out to your co-horts who's giving you a hard time and watch them go to work on his spleen and tender internal organs.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde I've been divorced for five years. My eldest son, 28 never accepted it and still does not. He despises my new boyfriend of four years. Whenever my boyfriend comes over my son storms to his room. I have a 50th birthday party coming up and I plan to invite my family. Should a bother sending my son an invitation knowing that he's not going to attend?

LOSING MY SON- LINCOLN, NE

A:LOSING, This is a very touchy situation. But remember YOU ARE AN ADULT. And as an adult you're entitled to be happy regardless of who disapproves. The bigger issue is why is your son still living at home at age 28? Your son is a loser and you should invite him to the party so that your new boyfriend can beat his ass in front of the entire family. The embarrassment from this moment will flush your son out of your home (* and maybe the city*). This way you can now enjoy your home with your new man and have sex on top of the microwave and all those other weird places that people over 50 have sex.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I'm going crazy. I'm in my first semester of college and my GPA is 2.4. I made a D in Biology. I really want to get my grades up so that I can get in a good grad school. My parents say they're proud of me for trying but I'm not proud of myself. What do you think? Wouldn't you rather send your child to a doctor that has a 4.0 GPA instead of a 2.4? I feel that GOD isn't answering my prayers for better grades. Has God forgotten about me?

CRAZY AT CLEMSON

A:CLEMSON, I'd much rather send my child to a doctor that lived a little and didn't bury themselves in their studies. You're the most pathetic form of 2.4 GPA's. You make C's and YOU ACTUALLY Study. Most people who make 2.4's is because they party or get drunk. They understand the curriculum they just don't study enough of it. Which means that if they DID study they'd make a 3.5 easy. You on the other hand make 2.4's AFTER studying all night.

And how dare you blame God for your academic ineptitude. God HAS MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES. Making sure you pass your Biology class isn't on his list of priorities. Either have sex with your teachers or drop out of College.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde-- As the holiday's loom, my husband has started receiving cards from co-workers with the words..."for your eyes only" on the envelope? No mention of me inside the card and this is not the first time! I feel it's disrespectful--my husband feels he can't say anything to his co-workers because it would be disrespectful.

NO RESPECT- GREENVILLE, MS

A:NO RESPECT, The problem is you. Why are you opening your husband's mail? You're too intrusive in his life. That's why he told his co-workers to write " FOR HIS EYES ONLY" on the envelope. Your husband can't get a damn free CD from Columbia House without you cracking it open and putting your grubby little hands on it. Get yourself some business.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde-- Recently I discovered my husband of seven years has posted his picture on a gay website. He listed himself as a "bisexual" that "hasn't come out yet". When I confronted him he said "he was just curious" and "researching his curiosity". He said the reason he posted the picture was to see if others found him attractive, that he is not bisexual. I'm devastated and feel betrayed. Is this a normal curiosity?

MARRIED TO A CONFUSED MAN- HAMMOND, LA

A:MARRIED I think you marriage is probably over. I'm sorry to say that. but If your husband wanted to see if he's "still attractive" why didn't he list himself as straight? I've never known many men to be "curious" as to if other men are attracted to them. Does your husband own an H3 Hummer?

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I'm recently engaged after dating for two years. I always go home to my parents' for Christmas and usually arrive the day before Christmas Eve. My fiance' arrives in time for the Christmas Eve Party and then leaves early on Christmas morning to go to his family's for the day. He misses opening presents with my folks. My mom has a big problem with this and says he doesn't want to spend time with them and is always in a hurry to get home. She gives me a hard time about him leaving on Christmas Day and wonders how it will be when we get married. Is she being selfish?

CONFUSED- BEAUFORT, SC

A:CONFUSED, Did the thought ever occur to you that your soon to be husband doesn't like your mom OR your family. Your family sucks. He'd rather be back with his own family than sit and stare at yours. Every Christmas reminds this man that these people will one day be his In-Laws. Your drunken uncle, the bad ass kids running around, your overly buddy-buddy brother who demands that he have a beer and sit down and watch the game. And then after all this you expect him to sit down and eat a plate of food while staring at the physical deformities of your mother. Her face only reminds him of what you'll look like after 45 years of marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he called off the wedding. Rule #1 of crazy families...don't introduce your man to them until AFTER the wedding.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde My neighbor wants me to play basketball with her, but I'm not really into basketball. I don't know how to tell her without hurting her feelings.

TENNIS LOVER- BRISTOL, TN

A:TENNIS It won't hurt you to run up and down the court with your buddies and play something different. Basketball is just as aerobic as tennis and forces you to utilize other stabilizing muscles in your lower body. Plus I'm guess you're white and your friend is black. And Sweetie if you're living on the black side of town and a nice black girl offers you a way into her social circle then why not do it? Every white girl should have 2-3 black friends. It makes other white people think you're both cool & crazy. You'll be the cool white girl in black social circles. Think Michael Jackson or Richard Simmons.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde Can you trust people who have split personalities?

APPLETON, WI

A: Sure, but only half the time.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I have a new job that I dislike very much. I'm over halfway through, so I've decided to stick it out. How can I make it the rest of the year with a good attitude toward my job and not such a pessimistic attitude toward "tomorrow" at work?

NO TOMORROW- JACKSONVILLE, NC

A:TOMORROW, This is a great question. What you have to do is find something at work that will motivate you to work and be amused. I don't know the nature of our job so I really don't know what to suggest. Have you tried heavy drinking before you start your shift? That usually works no matter what you do for a living...unless you're a life guard or a paramedic. If you work somewhere with computers then allow me suggest e-mailing porn from someone else's work station. Quite amusing but you may want to save that for your enemies.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I've been having of trouble getting along with a co-worker and it's started to effect me. I'm eating a lot more, not sleeping, and even started smoking again after 10 years!

I've thought about going to anger management classes, but I don't know where to start. I just know this co-worker makes me crazy and I need to get in control. Please help me!

SMOKING AGAIN- SOMMERSET, PA

A: SMOKING it appears that you have the same problem as TOMORROW. I'm not too sure how I feel about the anger management thing. You have just as much right to be there as they do. Why should your life be horrible because they're a jerk. If you let this frustration build up you're going to go crazy and come up there and shoot-up the building. Good Guys finish last. I'm pretty sure if you go and slap this person in the mouth once a week you'll feel much better. And it's cheaper than anger management.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde A year ago, I started working with a direct sales and marketing company that is dominated by college students. The average sales rep is an 18-19 year old college student, and the typical office manager is a recent 23-25 year old male college graduate.

Actually, this doesn't even feel like a job. I view it as a type of mental sport or business fraternity. I go to school full time, but my friends are largely people I've met through work.

My manager (who falls into the 23-25 year old male category) and I have grown very close. We've become friends, but I've also begun to lose respect for him as a leader. He promotes me at meetings, then takes credit for my successes. Many of our colleagues simply assume we have this mentor/mentee, type of relationship.

We do... but we don't.

Becoming such good friends is already a huge risk, and I've told him so several times. Still, I value what we have. We learn so much from one another, and we continuously challenge each other's personal beliefs and attitudes. We're moral and intellectual peers. We have chemistry. We would make one awesome couple.

He's now planning to open his own office in another territory this summer. I've been thinking about transferring and helping him run it. I would probably have to rent an apartment with him because that territory is hours away from where my parents live. We've been talking about it... but I don't know. If we become roommates and co-managers, something more than friendship will surely develop.

Prudence has kept me from acting on my feelings. I don't want to get hurt. Many times, reps and managers have started dating. When the inevitable break up occurs, at least one resigns.

This is a great place to work. I'm good at what I do. I want the relationship. BUT he's still a manager, and I'm still a rep.

Or maybe that's just my excuse to not take a risk. What should I do?

THE MENTEE- ATLANTA, TX

A:MENTEE, Please go away. That had to have been the longest damn question I've ever read in my history of giving advice. I don't even remember what the hell your problem is anymore. Sweetie this is a short-answer website so your questions must be short. So without re-reading your question I'm going to just recommend that you kill yourself.

I'm not sure if this would be the proper solution but anyone with a problem that's more than three paragraphs long probably should kill themselves. Shorten your questions and please try again.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde My boss and I share a lot of the same interest, and we hang out a lot. how can I keep people at the office from thinking I'm a suck-up.

JAMIE- RENO, NEVADA

A:JAMIE, Rumors in the workplace can be very devastating to your work career. Some employees that are on the same level as you will think you are a brown-nosing the boss to move up higher than them. Be careful of this because some of these employees could move up through the ranks quicker than you and remember your butt-kissing ways. More importantly these current rumors will blossom into "you're having sex" with your boss. The best way to keep your co-workers from hating on you is to have sex with them. No more than three or four. That should be enough to kill the brown-nosing gossip and when they get promoted ahead of you they'll remember you "friendliness"

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde CLYDE- I was going on a date with a co-worker recently and something horrible happened on the way to dinner right after he picked me up. Shortly after we got on the freeway my date begin to cough uncontrollably he choked and collapsed over the wheel. We were going 70 mph when this occurred. Are there any safety tips you can give me as a passenger when this happens.

ELANE- PANAMA CITY, FL

A:ELAINE this is a great question, and according to the Alabama State Troopers Association this is the proper procedure for helping a driver who suddenly becomes disabled.

DO NOT remove your seatbelt
Lean the driver back
Make sure the driver’s foot is off the accellerator
take control of the steering wheel
Stop the vehicle on the shoulder
Make sure the driver is dead.
If they are still conscious and choking, Choke them yourself.
steal their wallet
Take their money.
Remove any expensive Jewelry this person might be wearing.
Hide the car in a wooded area. This maximizes the time it’ll take the police to find the body. And by that time you would’ve maxed out the credit cards.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde My 10-year old daughter "Emily" is very attached to the family dog "Bobbi" The problem Is that Bobby is deaf, going blind and now has difficulty walking due to his arthritic knees. We've spent more that $12,000 at the dentist to keep the dog alive but we're really ready to put the dog to sleep. I know that doing this would upset my daughter because sue refuses to discuss it with me and my wife. She says that she doesn't want another dog but seeing Bobbi like this only give me more grief what should I do?

CANDACE-- ARLINGTON, VA

A:Kill the damn dog. PLEASE. What are you waiting for? The dog is blind, deaf, and has arthritis. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that the dog needs dentures. You're missing an opportunity to teach your child a valuable lesson about eliminating dead weight. The dog is f------g useless, he can't bite a burglar, can't fetch a paper. Get your .50 Caliber and take the dog in the back yard and let your daughter do the honors. You're teaching her a valuable lesson about killing off family members that don't contribute to the household anymore. Also let her know that she can expect the same treatment if ever she becomes dead weight on the family

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde My girlfriend is always angry with me for leaving the toilet seat up. If a relationship is 50/50 and I put the toilet seat up, can't she put it back down? My girlfriend is one helluva nag how can I get her off my back about this?

GERALD-- BROKEN ARROW, OK

A:S**T on the floor. and after you wipe leave the toilet tissue on the floor too. Turds on a floor have a tendency to take precedent over a toilet seat being up. The answer to most problems my friend is redirection. Similar to how if you're tending to a hurt finger but you accidentally bump your head. For just a little while your finger doesn't hurt because your bruised head becomes a new priority. S**T on the floor and give your girlfriend some new priorities.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde My Son wants to take Ballet. It's going to be hard for me to keep this from my co-workers because he would be dancing with most of their daughters. What can I do to keep them from finding out?

DARRYL- SHREVEPORT, LA

A:Darryl, it's simple, deny paternity of the boy. He couldn't possibly be your child tell your friends that. Everyday in America men deny kids that ARE theirs. Why should you be any different? Make a whole charade of it, go on Maury Povich and everything. Your friends will then pity you instead of tease you.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde can a man masturbate too much?

LOUIS- WACO, TX

A:Um buddy if you have to ask that question then you probably are masturbating too much..

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde Clyde, my wife and I are having lots of problems. She says that I'm cheating on her so I'm going to ask you. If I go to a strip club and spend my entire paycheck on lap dances, is that technically cheating?

AARON- VALDOSTA, GA

A:No it's technically not. But you are technically stupid. For getting dances from women who technically won't have sex with you.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I want to get a pet but I want a pet that’s original and cool. What do you suggest?

TINA- NORTH BEND, IN

A:Homeless man. If you go out of town for a few weeks you can leave them outside, they're used to it. And provided you're giving them good liquor and a good food 2-3 times a week they'll even clean up the house.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde which is better? Asking a girl for her phone number or giving her yours?

STEVE- SPRINGFIELD, MO

A:Steve, true gentlemen would say it's better to give a woman your number. This way she isn't pressured into deciding whether or not to give you the wrong number. And besides if a woman is truly interested then she'll call you at least one time. Personally I prefer to get a woman's number and her full name. This way if she hasn't called me in a week then I can match her phone number to an address and mapquest directions to her house and then ask her why she hasn't called me yet. Some may call this stalking.I call it

Aggressive dating, but that depends on how good a lawyer you have.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde What should you do when she says "I love you" but you don't love her yet.

MARK- ANNISTON, AL

A:Mark, most women say this when they're at their most vulnerable.naked. Your best bet is to just say that you love her too and then roll over and bang her again. Truth be told, she'll eventually figure out that you don't love her and then close her legs permanently. So why not get a few more servings before the kitchen is closed?

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde Hey Clyde, I have a class reunion coming up in a few months and I'm looking for a good way to lose 15 pounds. What's your opinion of those Billy Blanks videos?

MALINDA- Columbia, SC

A:Malinda, this is a good question. The rate of one's weight loss of decided on a number of factors such as diet, metabolism, and the amount of extra exercise you may do. And with so many weight loss / low-carb fads out there I can understand how difficult it can be decide on one program. May I suggest crack cocaine? Drugs get a bad rap in America for their addictiveness, rightfully so. Unfortunately no one discusses the upside.weight loss Leave the . Billy Blanks tapes at the store and pick up a good rock. ENJOY!

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I've been dating this guy for about 2-3 years and everything has been good up until recently. He treats me right and the sex is great, the problem is that lately when he has an orgasm he screams out the name of another man. I excused it at first but after he did it for the 3rd time I'm now suspecting that he's cheating on me with another man. Do all men do this when they're having sex or is my man slowly turning homosexual?

SHANA- TAMPA, FL

A:Shana I hope you haven't been having oral sex with him because you're probably tasting somebody else's booty. When I have an orgasm I do not yell out the name of another man. as a matter of fact another man isn't even in my thoughts. If there is a man out there who's thinking of another man while he's butt-naked with a woman then um...I'm not going to say that he's playing for the other team, but he's definitely has the uniform in the trunk.

And Shana did the thought ever occur to you that maybe your sex is so bad that your boyfriend would rather think one of his homeboys at work than think about being with you? Maybe you need to look inside yourself and evaluate your sex skills, because this whole think could be your fault.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I would like your opinion regarding movie etiquette or the lack of it. it's not uncommon for people to make and receive cell phone calls while they're in the movie theatre. When my husband politely asked a woman to turn her phone off or go step out into the lobby he was immediately told to go "*&$% off". I was once in the movies and the man behind me was kicking my seat. When I told him that this was annoying he proceeded to kick harder. Pumpkin I feel helpless, good people like me shouldn't suffer in silence while other people make my movie going experience stressful

ANGELYN- MONTGOMERY, AL

A:Angelyn, it amazes me that you're still alive to this day; running around in movie theatres talking trash to people. Your husband deserved an ass whoopin and one day someone is gonna give it to him. But if someone tells your husband to "@*%& Off " you should've been a woman and stood up for your man and slapped her in the face. What kinda woman are you? Your husband should file for divorce. As for people kicking your chair I think you need to either start carrying a stun gun , wear a bulletproof vest or make it blockbuster night.

CLYDE.

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Q:Dear Clyde I've got a quick question about bathroom manners. I was in the bathroom at a gas station and while I was on the toilet a man came up to my stall door and proceeded to talk to me and try to sell me some bootleg CD's. Even when I'm at the urinal people will come and use the urinal next to me and proceed to hold a conversation about sports and politics. Why won't people respect the last quiet place on earth?

JUST TRYING TO USE THE BATHROOM - JACKSON, TN

A:Well my friend the reason why you're probably getting bothered by weirdos like this is because you probably have one of those friendly faces. If you're peeing in the bathroom and someone comes up to talk to you it's probably because you made eye contact with them first or because you have a friendly face. When someone talks to you for no reason at the stall you could easily discourage this by looking them dead in the face and politely saying..."Excuse me kind sir. I'd love to flip through those bootleg movies you're selling but as you can see I HAVE MY D--K IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW". After saying this chop this person in the throat and they should be more than apologetic.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde while snooping around in my dad's room for some money and stuff I found some paternity suit papers which means that my dad has fathered a child outside of his marriage to my mom. I feel awful because of how this must affect my mother, his wife of more than 20 years. I can't stand to even look at my father anymore. I've lost all respect for him. I haven't confronted my father, mother or sister. I am hurt, confused and angry. They know something is wrong. I feel like I'm having an emotional breakdown.

ROD - BESSEMER, AL

A:ROD, first off, that's what you get for snooping around in stuff that doesn't concern you. However this is a serious matter that you could use to your advantage. The next time your dad is away then be sure to take those papers down to Kinko's and keep em in your back pocket whenever he starts talking shit. That'll definitely shut him up. exploit this situation for all it's worth and then tell your mom what he did.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I remember you discussing in your show about how irrelevant a wedding ring is. I thought this story might change your mind. My husband and I "had" to get married because I got pregnant. We scraped together $70 and bought a set of wedding bands. Our early days were difficult, as we had no money and a baby on the way. My husband works two jobs six days a week so I can stay home with our son.Last year, we celebrated our 10th anniversary, and he slid a small black box across the table. Inside was a gorgeous ring with a beautiful stone. He then said that the first ring was for where we started, but this ring signified where we are going. I was deeply touched. My ring may not be the biggest or most beautiful, but it is my dearest treasure, for it signifies the love of my husband -- and for that, I am truly blessed!

NORTH CAROLINA BORN AND RAISED UP

A:I Can't believe I just spent 40 seconds reading that. No one gives a damn. Why the hell are you staying at home with the kid? get up out the house and go do something. this man is working 2 jobs so you can stay home and watch TV. please. don't e-mail me again.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde six months ago, my brother Donald and my husband, Bill worked at the same company. My Husband found out that my brother was stealing merchandise and reported it. The supervisor reported it to the police, and my brother was charged with a misdemeanor and sentenced to some community service. When it was discovered that it was my husband who dropped the dime my brother and my parents quit speaking to us. I want Bill to be a part of my family. My family thinks Bill should have kept his mouth shut. What do you think?

DENISE- ATLANTA, GA

A:You Husband should be happy to be alive. Your best bet is to keep your brother away from your husband. I can guarantee that the next time your brother sees him, he's going to beat his ass. You're married to a snitch and I hope that you don't have little tattle tale kids who write names on the board for the teacher and then put those little damn check marks next to your name for repeat offenders. I'm from the West Side of Birmingham, and round here we would've beat his ass. Your family ain't shit.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde Excuse the length of my Question, but I'm really worried.

I am having problems with my next door neighbor who called me several months ago to tell me that my son was "forcing" her son (both are 6 years old) to "play doctor." My son said this was something they both decided to do and that he did not force the boy. She told my children they could no longer play with hers. She then said, very matter-of-factly that my son has displayed numerous aggressive behaviors that sent up "red flags" to her. She claimed to have spoken to her friends, her pediatrician & a child psychologist about this & all agreed/ .She has been spreading stories in the neighborhood that there is something bad about my children. Some of the other neighborhood children have been avoiding our family. This is a small town. It is awkward for everyone. How should I act around her?

ALICIA STOWELL- APOPKA, FL

A:A 6-year Old Boy asks another 6-year Old Boy to play "Doctor". Your son is gay. If Not he's defitenly preparing for auditions. If your son is gay, fine no problem but this lady's son shouldn't be forced to attened dress rehearsals. And it's best that they quit playing doctor now, before it's time for you son to check his temp....with a rectal thermomoter.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde Hey Clyde ,My daughter just turned 6. She is not a bedwetter. The other night she got up and urinated in her closet. She then stripped and went back to bed. Her little sister has had two episodes of talking/screaming in her sleep (her eyes were wide open but she was still asleep!). Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about?

DORRIS HAYES -CARY, NC

A:What the Hell where you drinking when you were pregnant with these damn kids. For God's sake she's pissin in the closet. I suggest either putting a toilet in the closet or giving that lil chick some more Flintstone Vitamins. As for the second one, that lil heffa is possessed. you need to got get her one of those old white preachers.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear ClydeMy 4-½ year old granddaughter is becoming difficult to discipline. She recently picked up a trinket at a grocery store. She has begun talking back. She also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her.

GERALDINE- NASHVILLE, TN

A:Hmmm, childhood discipline is always a touchy subject. You never want to be too stern with your kids in public because this is considered a misdemeanor. Since I don't have any kids I really can't tell you much about raising your own seeds but I am able to offer suggestions. I'm not sure how familiar you are with the World Wrestling Federation (* WWF*) but I'm sure if you sit down and watch an hour of this great athletic spectacle then you'll see plenty of great child discipline techniques. Nothing like good old fashioned choke slam to right the wrongs of a 4 year old devil child.

May I also suggest some other classic moves such as the Figure 4 leg lock, Piledriver, and Suplex. When you execute these moves on this young girl, don't hold back . Bones in kids that young are still cartilage so they give with the blows. So rear back and have a lil fun and teach em a lesson while you at it.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I am really stressing about college. I haven't received my acceptances yet from the colleges I applied to and I am worried that I will not get into any of them. I need ways to stop my stress. HELP ME!!

A:Newsflash....it's the middle of the damn summer, if you didn't get a letter from your favorite college before High School graduation then baby I don't think you made it. You're probably a dumbass with a 0.4 GPA or something and just keeping hope alive and that's fine and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone in the family can't go to college...someone has to be the drunk uncle who runs the BBQ grill. It's my feelings that this incident as a message from God. God gives all of us a special talent, so go get a bag of Charcoal and use yours

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I am a man in my late sixties. I live alone now. My Health is not that good. I have children from two of my three marriages. They never call me to check on me to see how I'm doing. I'm really not interested in becoming involved in another relationship. I watch television all day and go out for a walk in the afternoon. On Friday I have supper. I never got very far in life and I spend a lot of time thinking about the past and sometimes I just sit and go over the many mistakes I have made wishing I had done things differently. What should I do.

A:Why are you still here man? Kill yourself. You obviously hate your life so there's no since in you wasting good oxygen that could be used by other people. You've had your run and it's okay to take yourself out the game. You have the nerve to complain to me that your health isn't doing that good but dude YOU ONLY EAT ONCE A FUCKIN WEEK!!!!! You might wanna look into eating once a day.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde about two years ago, I underwent a sex-change surgery, from male to female. I am very happy now that I have all that behind me now, but I still have one problem. I am told that I walk, and sit too much like a man - and I'm very self-conscious about it. I have been looking for help with this problem. I have even contacted several modeling and charm schools, hoping that they might be able to help me move in a more feminine manner. The problem I face is that no one will respond or follow up on my initial contacts. I'm sure this is an unusual request, but it is one that I take very seriously. Where can I go an learn how to carry myself as a woman.

A:Prison. In Prison they have a great entry level program. I'm sure the inmates will be more than happy to teach you how to um...take it like a woman. You'll be walking like a woman in no time.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I enjoy masturbating while wearing boxing gloves. Is this a normal activity or do i need to seek help?

GREGORY- BEAUMONT, TX

A:Well Greg I'd imagine that jacking off with boxing gloves is cool. the gloves are already curved, and they're soft and padded. That actually a great idea. I'll pass it along to the rest of our readers.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I know that you're based in Birmingham and I was hoping that maybe you know Ruben Studdard. He is a fantastic person and I have sent him over 45 letters. Just last week I got Ruben's name tattooed on my back and a tattoo of a Teddy Bear on the inside of my thigh. I can send you some pics of it if you like, Thanks.

RUBENS BIGGEST FAN

A:Ummmmmm OK. Since I Don't know how old you are sweetie I'll try to be gentle...YOU'RE A RETARD. Ruben doesn't know you. Ruben will probably never meet you. Why would you get a tattoo of a man who's yet to drop an album yet? I'm glad you like the man but they have other non permanent items such as...T-Shirts, and hats. I like Ruben Just like you but I hope in 5 years he isn't a washed up R&B Star working at the State Fair and now you have to explain to your husband why the man who works the Bumper Cars has his name on your thigh.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I'm currently a Freshman at a large University in on-campus housing. Being a dorm, everyone shares a bathroom which has several urinals along one wall. My problem is that I can't urinate when other people are in the room. I have found this to be true in other restrooms as well. I even have difficulties "taking a dump." It's bad enough that I have trouble even going down to the bathroom when I have to go. I purposely take a long drink at the drinking fountain outside of the bathroom to try to give time to clear out. Unfortunately, its happened more than once that I stand there just beginning and someone comes in. I just stand there like a moron and then flush pretending that I actually did something. Any ideas? Thanks in advance!

A:Drink more. the more you drink the more you'll have to pee. and as for you taking a dump, I think you're scared lil mommas boy. I hope you stay constipated. the only other solution would be to go to a local department store and take a crap in their bathroom. Lots of Privacy there. You also may wanna try going to the bus station and while the buses are parked just sneak on there and make a few deposits at the bank too.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde I have a problem with morning breath. Is there any way I can get rid of it?

MORNING BREUF

A:Quit Eating Coochie before you go to bed.

CLYDE.

Q:Dear Clyde About a year and a half ago, I got both of my nipples pierced. Not thinking about my allergies to surgical steel posts in my ears, I got my nipples pierced with surgical steel rings, which i assume are standard. My nipples never healed correctly, so i removed the rings, and have gone without them for over a year now. In my right nipple, i have a thick white discharge coming out of where the ring was removed. Any idea of what this discharge may be, and if i should worry about it?

AFRAID OF DOCTORS--- HOUSTON, TX

A:Now if you knew that you were alergic to stainless steel, then why would you get Steel Nipple piercings? You're like that person who's alergic to shrimp but continues to eat them. I'm sorry that this discharge is coming out your nipples but you deserve it. I hope one of your breasts swells up and gets infected, You deserve it. More importanlty you need to explain to your boyfriend what's happening to your breasts because I'd hate for him to be playing with your nipples thinking your arousal is the reason for your "drip drip drip". And since you haven't gone to a doctor by now then hey, why go now. Just keep putting neosporin on the nipple and maybe it'll go away.

CLYDE.